Okay Fuze you always give us all really long and thorough reviews, full of your thoughts and constructive criticism, and so I'm gonna try to match your energy!
This is a hard one for me to rate, because, especially in the age of AI, the end result of art is worthy of praise and impressive, but so is the process. So that part of me is wowed by the existence of an entire conlang, even if it's heavily borrowed from and modified Japanese, in just a month, on top of all the writing and art you had to do beyond that. But it comes into direct conflict with the rest of me that played the game, that feels like it was mostly a detriment.This game is 25k words, technically a little over if you ask fvn.li, though I assume that's things like the thank you message, and perhaps some of the title select, I'm not trying to call any fouls there. But I wonder if the story wouldn't have benefited from more elsewhere. Sometimes it feels like words were cut out in sentences not because of typos, but because of a lack of space to use them anywhere.
And that's really just my biggest problem with the game overall, the actual pen to paper writing, especially the prose. It's just so, so bland. I think there's maybe two similes in the entire vn, when Kameron compares the hot springs to eden, and when Eugene says that going through the portal back will be like a walk in the part. It's all "we did this, did this, and then did this." Straightforward, and often lacking in interiority. I want less one to one descriptions of the events, the food, the locale, the appearances of the other world (especially with how gorgeous the bgs are, they do 80% of the work already for you), and a bit more artistry in the prose. Sometimes Kameron does let us know how he's feeling, though it's often pretty straightforward "like" or "dislike," and I feel like a lot of the complexity of the character doesn't come through until towards the end, when it's revealed that Ryley thought he was summoning a demon to power him up. It's a lengthy entry, and that length is exasperated by the lack of variation to break up the writing. This one is a bit of a personal pet peeve, that there's almost always only one sentence per line, but I think that also lends to part of the monotony of the pace.
And the conlang is cool but... I think it's ultimately a hamper on the game. First of all, it drastically inflates the word count, but more importantly, I just... kinda start glazing over and mashing the space button when it comes up. And it's there for the whole vn! Kameron learns some words (and whenever he speaks only in Devah he immediately translates it in his thoughts afterwards) but for the most part whenever the characters are speaking to each other, it doesn't really add anything to have this conlang there. We get so many times where Ryley or someone else will say something, and it's completely illegible, and then Kameron will be like "I have no idea what he's saying" or "I'm just gonna assume this." Just write that! Don't bloat the space with the entire conversation that we the reader (and often the main character) can't understand and just kind of have to click through. I think you can still deliver the feeling of this character trying to learn the language, and slowly piecing it together, without needing the actual language always on display. Maybe if this were a much more longform vn, and we the reader would have the experience of slowly learning it alongside Kameron, but in a short jam game like this, I think that's ultimately too much work, for too little payoff, that took up space and effort that could've been better directed elsewhere. like a second sex scene More emotional connections after the big reveal of Ryley's attempt at cheating, to justify him following him through the portal (or the logistics on how a deva living in our world works, if he's gonna live extra long, or if time will pass him by extra fast, etc etc.). Just places that I really felt could've used more fleshing out that the many conversations that we didn't really need to see on screen, had been skipped and given time somewhere else.
We get some plot threads that occasionally come up, but because Kameron lacks any real way to communicate with Ryley, they often don't really play out in any meaningful way. Kameron has several dreamless nights, and then when he finally has a dream, it's a nightmare about his experiences with homophobia, and getting injured due to a bad call (that was potentially made purposefully wrong to mess with him? I'm unsure), and while cuddling with a cumstained twunk probably isn't a bad way to shake those off, it's just one of the many character moments we can't really work around more because of the communication barrier. Occasionally they bring up the idea of "communicating without speaking" in the not quite sumo sport they play, but that isn't really utilized to justify the ending of Ryley giving up everything to follow him. Which I'm not complaining about, to be clear! I actually really like the overall progression of the story, I just want its delivery to be executed differently. Also Ryley tried to summon a demon and that's definitely what the murder whirlwind at the beginning was, right? ALSO IF KAMERON REALLY CARES ABOUT ALL THESE PEOPLE, HE COULD AT LEAST LEARN TO SAY THEIR NAMES RIGHT. I get that it's "ryley like Raijin and Eugene like Fujin, but after a certain point it's less "making the best with what he can" and just kind of disrespectful. Also looking at the origins of the name Eugene does have some really funny implications for a world that's a parallel dimension connected to japan. Another personal petpeeve, I wish we got more literal heart to heart moments. We get that one during the sex scene, and it's so good. I'm such a huge sucker for feeling someone else's heartbeat, especially as an intimate moment, so while it's brought up I think three times, i wanted more with them directly. You make my heart rumble, so rumble!!!
Okay that's a lot thank you for bearing with me. The presentation is fine, UI is nothing crazy but I quite like it as something beyond just the regular default renpy set up. The music is well curated, and none of the tracks ever felt tonally out of place for what was happening (beyond maybe the menu music being a rendition of pachelbel's canon, but I chalk that up more to me being overly familiar with composition), while still maintaining the general ambiance of the game. I see you branching out to other body types beyond the Signature Fuze Twink, and I respect and appreciate that. I am not immune to men, and boy are there some nice men to ogle in this game, triumph emoji triumph emoji. I think sometimes some of the angles the characters are in they lose some of their identifying shapes as whatever their respective species are, though I do think you do the forward facing sprites for a character like a rhino pretty well. Sometimes when multiple characters are on the scene, the resused assets become a bit more obvious. There's one scene where Codie, Kameron, and Eugene are all hitting the exact same side smile smirk, and it really stands out. And the CGs... oogh. Y'know at first I was like "wow I know Fuze is a really prolific artist, i'm surprised there haven't been too many CGs, considering the importance of a lot of these scenes" and then I got to the tournament. I'm sure the Media Literate recognize other Fuze characters making cameos, but ngl I got distracted by that final throw. Eugene? Ryley? I need to stick my media literacy in them iykwim. I know I joked about a second sex scene but insert the worf star trek "THIS IS SEX" gif here. Just let me fuck Eugene and I'll be normal I'll be fine. And worth stating again, I adore the BGs. Entirely original backgrounds is crazy, and I love the shaded painterly details in them. I think especially Ryley's apartment has a lot of life... for being so trashy bachelor pad lol.
So yeah, this is really long, and I know it's a lot of complaining, which hopefully comes off as constructive. I have a huge respect for the amount of work you've done on this, and, as someone who is only vaguely familiar with some of your older work, and your previous maywolf, I think it's really exciting to see you branch out into stories that have another layer of depth to them beyond the porn. I really hope you keep at it, because you've got a lot of creative energy and I'll be reading the other things you put out. I wrote so much because there was a lot to talk about, and so I hope that comes through, and not just a massive downer of a review!