Well, I've been watching erotic visual novels for a while now; Frankly, I'm a fan of "porn with a plot," and I must say the idea is pretty good. A free sex pass as the main plot point can open a lot of interesting possibilities.
From those closest to a plot (you can create a very good drama, or something more fun or light if you want to make it casual; you could also create different routes with each character, although that is more difficult)
As for something more perverted (whether it's exhibitionism, threesomes (it would depend on the personality of each character or your taste; some kind of "system" could be added that sees who becomes more compatible or that the protagonist makes some move to bring together two girls who would normally be incompatible) something more "loving" if a favoritism function is implemented (which I doubt, since that is very rare)), the options are quite varied.
Now, the dialogue is pretty good, but it's missing a few things, for example, punctuation. One example I could point out is when Jacob is talking to Kat:
- The usual is when I sit on my couch watching TV until I pass out
A couple of quotation marks could be used to make it a bit clearer:
- "The usual" is when I sit on my couch watching TV until I pass out (this emphasizes Jacob's "usual").
Or when the agent tells Jacob about his Sex Pass:
- What? This must be a mistake.
A few periods could be added at the beginning, as if to show surprise:
- ... What? This must be a mistake.
Now, another thing I've noticed is the POV; sometimes it jumps from first person to third person, for example, when Jacob receives his certificate:
-Jacob's phone beeps. Download complete!
If we're in third person, it works, but if we're in first person, it should be something like this:
-My phone beeps. The screen displayed a "Download complete!" message.
Or, for example:
- Agent Francine stares at Jake, without saying a word, for longer than he expects.
-The blonde agent stared at me, without saying a word… for longer than I felt comfortable with. (Here, for example, the way the agent is referred to is changed to avoid being redundant with her name, in addition to adding the ellipsis as a sign of discomfort.)
It might be minor things, or maybe I'm just being overly picky (I might also be asking for too much, I'm sorry about that!). In that case, I apologize, but I get really excited about these kinds of projects, and your games are usually good (I love Barely Working).
I hope this one turns out well too, I wish you luck! I'm sorry if the message isn't clear; I'm using a translator since I'm not a native English speaker.