The story was still very easy to read and follow along. The way you write can be considered a stylistic choice, and I saw your devlog first, which is how I came across this VN. So, I understand that English isn’t your first language. I hope I didn’t come across too harshly on that front. Plus, you can always update it with more content or fixes.
I say just work on fleshing out the second half of your story to make it feel more fleshed out. Otherwise, it’s great the way it is.
Think about story structure and what the protagonist’s goals and wants are. This is because even though the story ended with the protagonist going on a date with her love interest, the story didn’t feel quite complete to me because I didn’t know if the protagonist would end up with her love interest or not officially. What lesson did she learn? That’s not to say you can’t have an open-ended resolution, but a story should feel complete at the same time.
These are six questions you can ask yourself and answer to guide yourself in telling a short, concise, and complete short story. (I found this information from a YouTube video. I did not come up with these questions myself.)
1. Who is it about?
2. What do they want?
3. What do they do?
4. Why doesn’t that work?
5. What do they finally do?
6. What is the end?
Well, I guess I could answer all of those questions, as it’s about Nyli who wants Vesper. She meets up with him for coffee to do a school project in the hopes of asking him out. It fails because Gigi gets in the way and wants to ask him out for Valentine’s Day instead. In order to combat this, Nyli confronts her, and the story ends with Nyli and Vesper going on a “date” on Valentine’s Day.
I put “date” in quotes because it wasn’t a real one, as Nyli never confronted her feelings, making the ending feel not as satisfactory as it could have been. Not to say she has to express her feelings. Heck, she could simply acknowledge her feelings and let him go upon seeing Vesper and Gigi together on Valentine’s Day, for example.
The ending may have felt anticlimactic to me because since the confrontation with Gigi was skipped over, it felt like that the encounter at the park with Vesper was the climax instead.
I didn’t get a sense of the falling action or resolution, and if this was a fake date of sorts, with the main character even questioning things, then it feels like things are still unresolved, with the true ending yet to come until things reach their natural conclusion, which I didn’t get the sense of.
Again, this is just me. This is also a demo. The story could also simply end with her being happy or vengeful after the date back at her house as she thinks things over from the day. That way, the story ends with the reader knowing her stance and views on things, as this is a character-driven story, and thus the story has a resolution in regards to her feelings and desires.
Ultimately, a story is a character wanting something, and something is getting in the way of the character’s wants. Thus, looking at your story from that lens, I don’t know if Nyli truly got what she wanted, how she felt about the date, and if she will continue to pursue Vesper or not. I think if you add such information in, an epilogue, if you will, it would go a long way in making the story feel complete and whole.
Although, that’s just my take. You can take it or leave it. None of what I’m saying is truth, but these are things to consider and ponder nonetheless.