Bowser's Rating: C+
Spoilers ahead!
Just a quick disclaimer, my grades mean absolutely nothing and I just want to share my thoughts about this piece. I just hope my insight can help foster growth for this team.
I enjoyed reading this VN! Another excellent example of a project that has a perfect scope for a game jam entry.
Here are some of the things I liked:
- The writing style is great. The well-structured sentences and the mindful word choice worked together excellently. It was a great pleasure to read aloud.
- I'm a big fan of the abstract backgrounds. The heavy use of the visual effects filters and the resulting geometric artifacts it leaves on each background is a wonderful visual treat. A very bold use case of taking (what I'm assuming are) photographs and transposing them into VN backgrounds. Overall, I think it elevated the piece and complimented the art direction well.
- The art style of the sprites is great! They work well to characterize the VN's overall art direction. The same compliments extend to the CG. These were so lovely to look at.
- The story's structure did good work to keep me engaged. Starting with very little information and revealing more and more as things go along kept my eyes glued to the screen.
Here are some things I think could use improvement:
- The writing needed quite a bit of editing. No VN ever gets published completely unblemished by spelling and grammar errors, but it's a persistent problem with this piece. I spot lots of improper punctuation in particular. This would have benefitted from another review or two before publishing.
- There were presentational inconsistencies with the narration and dialogue. It's okay to change perspective, but there needs to be a consistent way to display it so the reader can differentiate who's speaking and when.
- Sometimes inner monologue was presented with the name box, sometimes it wasn't. Sometimes it was presented in the full screen format, sometimes it wasn't. Sometimes narration was in first person, other times it was in second person. Etc, etc.
- I think the changing perspectives benefitted the story, but I would like to see it presented more thoughtfully and consistently.
- I would have liked to see some more emotions from the sprites. You wouldn't even have to change their poses, just a couple of different facial expressions would have went a long way to uplifting the presentation.
- I would have liked to see some custom GUI elements. The default renpy menu, text box, and font aren't bad. However, one way to make your piece standout amongst the sea of low-effort RenPy projects is to do away with those default assets when you can. Tutorials like this can help you for the next project! Also, don't be afraid to ask around for coding help.
I hope you don't find my grading or feedback too harsh. For the most part, a little tender, love, would go a long way. I think a day's worth of work could easily elevate this piece to a "B". A more thoughtful main menu, addressing the narrative perspective issue with the presentation, choosing a stylish font, and an extra round or two of editing would do the trick. Going the extra mile to add more sprite expressions and a custom text box would likely earn you an "A-".
I think you all came together and made something great. Despite my complaints, I really enjoyed reading this story. The other folks who attended the live reading in Discord agree! This entry shows a lot of promise. I look forward to seeing what you all put out next, and don't be afraid to ask the community for help when you need it!