itch.io

Bowser's Grade: A-

I'll start off by saying my grades mean nothing and I just want to impart some advice to the creators. Hopefully this will help you all grow and thrive.

One of the most endearing aspects of this story is how well it captures the slice-of-life genre. From the writing, the presentation, down to the title Deer Diary. It feels like we're reading what is an honest-to-goodness diary entry from an enthusiastic campground staff member. Such a treat.

The story lacks a strong plot and focuses more on the characters to drive the story forward. However, that's exactly the function of slice-of-life. It exists to made mundane, day-to-day life interesting, and I think the writing serves that purpose perfectly.

On the note of character writing, Ryan did an excellent job giving each character a distinct voice and personality. You pick up on their mannerisms right away, and they're all quite charming. Not only that, but the character writing and character sprites work together in perfect harmony. Well done.

The presentation is through-the-roof. Custom UI, the diary graphic with the doodles, and the cute art style of the character sprites all work together in perfect harmony. I'm also thoroughly impressed with Marms's ability to learn RenPy in the span on a month and take advantage of its more advanced features. The transitions and movements of the sprites is such a wonderful visual treat.

There's a few pieces of criticism I'd like to levy that kept this from being an "A+".

• Would have loved to see more effort put into the backgrounds.
  • It's so cool how these were all photos taken by Marsh. I love the thought and care that went into that. However, I think going the extra mile to do more than just blur the backgrounds would have sealed the deal.
  • If I can make a suggestion, perhaps finding some layer effects in photoshop to help make these photos appear more like watercolor paintings could help achieve better visual harmony. It'd help capture that "crafty" sort of feel we get from the diary, scribbles, notebook paper, and the sprite art style.
  • There's a dissonance that's created when the background appear too lifelike and the characters in the foreground appear in their tooney art style. This is especially dissonant when there are human people in the photos as well.
• Writing could have used some trimming.
  • Ryan did a terrific job. Honestly, I think a 5% reduction in word count would accomplish everything I'm looking for. Just look for redundant exposition, lengthy explanations, or just otherwise needless passages. Listing exact examples would be tedious, but I'm happy to go through the story again to find examples with you guys if you want.
• The voice acting could have used more intention.
  • So, here's the thing. I'm gonna look like a big hypocrite because I implement partial voice acting in a very similar way in Chord Progressions. Just hear me out, though.
  • Partial voice acting is tough. As much as we'd love to have our projects be fully voice acted, the time and money required for such a feat is too grand and out-of-scope for most VN projects. Partial voice acting is often the compromise. That said, it can feel jarring and random to readers if implemented without intention. This can lead to the voice acting detracting to the VN rather than adding value.
  • That said, I think when you add a layer of intention behind partial voice acting, it starts to do work to elevate the piece. I think the best way to do this is to have a "system."
    • So, in ChoPro, my "system" is this:
      • Every time a character is introduced for the first time, their first one or two lines are voice acted.
      • Anytime a very meaningful/impactful line is spoken, it's voice acted (most of the time... maybe).
      • Everytime a new scene is introduced, the first line of that scene if voice acted (most of the time... maybe).
    • This system honestly isn't that great... I haven't cracked the code. However, I think if you guys can come up with your own system and give it a try, that can in turn help us collectively get closer to the right answer. 
      • PLEASE HELP ME MARSH I CAN'T CRACK THE CODE I NEED HELP
  • Adding in "barks," or short vocalizations (sigh, laugh, scoff, etc.)  often serve as a great way to assist the sparse voice acted lines. It rounds out the soundscape and helps remind readers of what the characters sound like.
    • You did do some of this! But I would like to see more thoughtful implementation for the next project.

I'll leave you with those notes and just remind the team that this was a lovely project that was wonderfully directed. I'm very proud of Marsh for leading this team so well and bringing this excellent vision to life. You all should feel very proud of yourselves, and I'm very much looking forward to reading That Summer Day 😸