(Edit: Changing my grade from A- to just A. It's more consistent with how I've been grading other works.)
Bowser's Grade: A- A
Spoilers ahead!
Let me start off by saying my grades mean nothing and I just want to document my feedback for the sake of letting these wonderful creators know my thoughts so they can hopefully grow and learn. I think you all did a terrific job with this one.
This entry has been my favorite so far. It doesn't earn my highest grade, but I have to do my best to divorce the particular way this visual novel resonates with me and any """objective analysis""" I'm rendering.
The presentation is through the roof. Custom UI, the side sprite, the CG's, and the overall art direction all coalesce together very well. This is definitely one of the best use cases of how to properly implement "using photoshop filters on IRL photos for a visual novel".
I'm thoroughly charmed by the world building, despite it being literally IRL. It's frankly brilliant how each characters' presentation is in line with their "inner self", whether they're being presented as an anthropomorphic animal character or a human being. I think I, and many other furry VN developers, have pondered the question, "how could I make a visual novel about real people going to a real furry convention?" I think this nails it perfectly. Well done.
However charmed I am with the world building, I'm even more charmed by the characters. Each character has their own voice, their own style, and their own way of speaking that make them unique and exciting. The main character especially nails the thoughts, feelings, and personality of your archetypical gay furry man. This is something I've attempted to capture in Chord Progressions with my MC, Eddy. I think Swift nails this better than Eddy does.
This story does a great job of accurately detailing what actually happens at furry conventions, while still dramatizing the experience for the sake of creating an interesting story. I think most avid con-goers know that trying to regail a play-by-play story of what happened at their favorite furry convention usually isn't super interesting as a narrative. It ends up being a disjointed list of joyful experiences that doesn't have a cohesive throughline. Nothing wrong with that for casual conversation, but you can't really build a visual novel out of that kind of experience. That said, I'm thoroughly impressed with how this story didn't do that. There's a plot, not an incredibly strong one, but a plot nonetheless. Not only that, it's a great narrative thread that runs throughout the story and affects each character in unique ways.
While the ending was sad, I think it was great. I've read countless Twitter threads from friends and acquaintances who had to leave a furry con early because of a terrible experience. It's always so heartbreaking, and Swift's story breaks my heart in a similar way.
However, it's just one con. In the moment, it feels like your whole life is falling apart. I certainly have felt that myself at the end of a terrible con experience. What I find incredible is just how well the story captures that feeling. Despite this, there's always the chance the next convention will be better! And I love that we get that little, hopeful glimpse into Swift's next adventure.
Alright, I'm done glazing. I need to detail why that "minus" isn't a "plus" "A" doesn't have a "plus".
I'm my heart-of-hearts, it's an A+++. This story feels like it was uniquely made for me and I can gush about it all day. But I have some critical notes.
I think some more time needed to be invested in polishing the writing. I think it's quite polished already, but more is needed in my opinion. The story structure is solid, and I think it accomplishes everything it needs to. I wouldn't change any story beats or the order they happen.
My main issue lies with sentence structure, primarily, the prevalent use of run-on sentences in the narration. Breaking them up I think would resolve the struggles I encountered when it came to the ease of reading. Often times, these sentences contained several unique ideas that could be broken down. I understand, to some extent, it "fits" the narrator. He's rather chatty, and often has wandering thoughts that are supplanted mid-way through other thoughts. However, I think we can still achieve that characterization without needing to overuse run-on sentences.
As a side note, the dialogue was fabulous. Run-on sentences didn't show up very often during Swift's dialogue. Narration was the main problem area.
Another thing I'd like to address is the didactic parts of the narrative. Nothing wrong with implementing political and social commentary in your piece. I do it all the time. But, for my tastes at least, I think making things more subtle would have benefited the piece overall. Many times, I felt like I was being "talked at" rather than being "talked to", if that makes sense. The main example that comes to mind is the scene on the bus where the details of the Pulse nightclub tragedy were recounted. There was a lot of factual reporting of the tragedy that I think distracted from the narrative. I definitely wouldn't toss out that scene, but I think some restructuring and word-cutting would do the trick.
On a similar note, I think the story itself is a tad overwritten. A good 5-10% reduction on the word count I think would help the flow and pacing beautifully. Granted, the flow and pacing are already excellent, but there's some room for improvement.
With the critical bits out the way, I'm telling you right now, I'm eagerly awaiting a sequel. I want to find out what happens to Swift at MFF. I want to see if there's ever going to be a conflict resolution between him and Osgood. I want to learn more about Swift's new fossa friend. The fact that I'm craving more is such a good sign that what you all made here is fabulous.
Thank you for this entry. It was a wonderful pleasure to read this one.