God I'm not going to lie. This one was devastating and hard to get through. There's a lot of relatable thoughts here and you put some of these thoughts beautifully into writing. There's a lot of forms that grief can take - and one of them is anger, which I feel like is an unspoken emotion because of how ugly it feels. Anger at the world for being unfair, anger at the victim for leaving you, anger at yourself for not being able to save them. It's honestly not fucking fair that us trans girls have to go through these things. I don't see these deaths as suicide, they are homicide by an unjust world we live in. This story is absolutely uncompromising and raw in its portrayal of grief and suicidal thoughts and I respect you heavily for that. I'm sorry for your loss and I want you to know this is a beautiful work of art you've created for Ari.