I really like the story you're trying to build, and I can tell you put a lot of hard work into creating text that evokes vivid imagery. It would have helped a lot if the character's had a face I could match to their name, it would have made following along with the story easier. Also, a royalty free music track in the background would go a long way for immersion. Love the story concept, it just needs some work to help make it's best parts shine.