thank u so much <3. i have this zine about poems by ND ppl, its called "The Stars Diverged: Scattered Stars Edition" the poems are moreso about personal experience than mysticism or spirituality, but the person who put it together said she wanted to do a series (i think the scattered stars edition was the first or second in the series).
some ramblings about my life right now and how your essay/all this reading is currently relevant to me:
im just starting to come out of a bad time with food (i think, ive been eating enough for about a week in a row or so and im rly rly hoping to be able to keep it up). usually, after a period of restriction, when i start getting better again i start writing. a lot. because for me, and probably most people but obviously idk, consistent restriction brings about a state of what i call "dissociative apathy" in which everything that makes me human fades. i am left mechanical, empty, passionless, so far removed from what used to matter to me. recovery is rebirth; you are flooded with, being. laughter and light and deep sorrow and grief and pain and grit and hope and words so i write and write. i wasnt too far gone this time and i am starting to have so much more energy lately, so im anticipating that it wont take long for the words to come again. i want to write something more comprehensive this time, maybe with a thesis instead of just dense paragraphs of metaphors :) maybe i can make it about littlespace too, about my experience with buddhism too, about anything i want :) your essay really inspired me <3. im scared because i have bpd and anorexia basically alleviates it, my symptoms arent back yet but theyve gotta be coming soon but ive found writing to be such a wonderful release for a lot of purposes. i have been journalling consistently since i was 10 years old. i have so many ideas recorded but theyre all so out of order and discombobulated. lately ive been going through my journals, cutting them up and adding them to collages and zines, just any bits i find valuable/relevant. drawings or words or ideas or lists.
i have such deep identity disturbance and its very hard for me to identify with anything at all, any trait or strong opinion or even to identify with my own memories. i feel isolated in space and time, or sometimes like a comet burning up. i find that i really have no solid groundwork as a person. but this kind of art, dissecting my old journals, cutting out my own discombobulated ideas across years and years of emotionally fuelled poems, paragraphs, ideas, metaphors and personal philosophies and making it into a collection of zines and collages. it is giving me a starting place for this. i am giving myself permission to identify with this art, because i cant really think my way out of that one (please dont talk me out of it lol).
littlespace is like a refuge. it is the only time when i feel safe in my brain. genuinely just every mental dysfunction i have disappears into the white noise in my brain idk how to explain. i dont need a solid identity because my only job is to be, and to take it in, and to learn and play. i never thought about it before, but it is, at least, meditative.
those are all my thoughts theyre not that connected