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what a remarkable and wonderful comment to wake up to ^^ <3 a number of folks have told us our essay have meant something to them, but this comment, as people might say, "hit's different". i'm really glad it spoke to you, and gave you new and exciting ideas. i wish very much that i could offer a more coherent comment, but we're a little bit out of it as well, i suppose. 

thank you for the recommendation on "reclaiming your mind," though, and also, in terms of other essays from the jam i can recommend, i really enjoyed "[psycho].spiritual", which is about psychosis and spiritual experience and hypnosis and plurality. it had quite a profound effect on us. in terms of other essays about, as you say, "weird brain shit", we really love the writings of Devon Price, an autistic psychologist who's written a lot of really amazing essays and books about transness, ableism, neurodivergence, ageism, youth liberation, and other stuff, most of which i honestly have not evern read. in the theme of age and disability, i recommend abolish age. also, there's a book called "may tomorrow be awake" which is about autistic poetry, that had (and continues to have) a pretty big impact on me. it touches alot on non-normative 'art' and self-expression and even a bit on neurodivergent mysticism. i would *love* to find more stuff about ND mystic experience, really. a friend of ours who is kinda similar to us in being, Weird, wrote this piece about becoming. 

and i guess if you want to completely bite off more than you can possibly chew, "A Thousand Plateaus: Capitalism and Schizophrenia" by Giles Deleuze and Felix Guattari is an extremely dense work of what the authors call "schizoanalysis", a deconstructive approach to turning psychology on its head that is largely "pro madness" in alot of ways. i don't wanna pretend like im some philosophy student who understands it perfectly. many parts of it, especially those responding to other philosophers, are kind of impenetrably difficult for me to read, i haven't even read most of it, i've jumped around a lot (which is something they actually recommend, because they reject the idea that the book is even a "book" but rather a rhizome, a nonhierarchical, interconnected structure where every point is joined to every other point). it is quite deliberately confusing, i think they once said that they want people to "bring something incomprehensible into the world". sometimes i strongly disagree with things in the book and yet other times i feel like they understand perfectly what it's like to really *see* the world the way i do. the whole language of rhizomes, territories, lines of flight becomings, refrains, bodies without organs, etc has certainly permeated our vocabulary, and even if we might not fully understand how they were using it all the time, i think they would probably approve of a weird neurodivergent burnout trans creature taking their ideas and running with them.

mad pride is also a pretty cool movement against saneism and towards the valuing of "brain weird" experiences as a beautiful thing.

also, i really love the music of queer freak-folk artist noel'le longhaul. we first found their music as a teen, it was the very first trans music we were exposed to, and it's had a huge impact on us, i can't fully articulate articulate how big a part of who we are it is. it feels very 'queer brainweird magic' to us. our favorite album of theirs is called the meadow.

like i said, i wish i knew more, and had more stuff to link. probably there's things rattling around in our head that we just can't remember right now.

all of us here in our little world wish the very best for you, and hope you keep learning, and growing, and molting, and changing, and trying out new ideas, and learning who you are, and that you find lots of safe communities full of supportive, safe, and dependable folks. <33 ^^

thank u so much <3. i have this zine about poems by ND ppl, its called "The Stars Diverged: Scattered Stars Edition" the poems are moreso about personal experience than mysticism or spirituality, but the person who put it together said she wanted to do a series (i think the scattered stars edition was the first or second in the series). 

some ramblings about my life right now and how your essay/all this reading is currently relevant to me:

im just starting to come out of a bad time with food (i think, ive been eating enough for about a week in a row or so and im rly rly hoping to be able to keep it up). usually, after a period of restriction, when i start getting better again i start writing. a lot. because for me, and probably most people but obviously idk, consistent restriction brings about a state of what i call "dissociative apathy" in which everything that makes me human fades. i am left mechanical, empty, passionless, so far removed from what used to matter to me. recovery is rebirth; you are flooded with, being. laughter and light and deep sorrow and grief and pain and grit and hope and words so i write and write.  i wasnt too far gone this time and i am starting to have so much more energy lately, so im anticipating that it wont take long for the words to come again. i want to write something more comprehensive this time, maybe with a thesis instead of just dense paragraphs of metaphors :) maybe i can make it about littlespace too, about my experience with buddhism too, about anything i want :) your essay really inspired me <3. im scared because i have bpd and anorexia basically alleviates it, my symptoms arent back yet but theyve gotta be coming soon but ive found writing to be such a wonderful release for a lot of purposes. i have been journalling consistently since i was 10 years old. i have so many ideas recorded but theyre all so out of order and discombobulated. lately ive been going through my journals, cutting them up and adding them to collages and zines, just any bits i find valuable/relevant. drawings or words or ideas or lists. 

i have such deep identity disturbance and its very hard for me to identify with anything at all, any trait or strong opinion or even to identify with my own memories. i feel isolated in space and time, or sometimes like a comet burning up. i find that i really have no solid groundwork as a person. but this kind of art, dissecting my old journals, cutting out my own discombobulated ideas across years and years of emotionally fuelled poems, paragraphs, ideas, metaphors and personal philosophies and making it into a collection of zines and collages. it is giving me a starting place for this. i am giving myself permission to identify with this art, because i cant really think my way out of that one (please dont talk me out of it lol).

littlespace is like a refuge. it is the only time when i feel safe in my brain. genuinely just every mental dysfunction i have disappears into the white noise in my brain idk how to explain. i dont need a solid identity because my only job is to be, and to take it in, and to learn and play. i never thought about it before, but it is, at least, meditative.

those are all my thoughts theyre not that connected