Hello! Welcome to Feedback Quest 8! My name's Hythrain, a co-host and one of the streamers for this event! This feedback is being written live as I stream your game! If you're interested in seeing my live reaction, let me know and I can send you a link to the VOD once it's posted to YouTube!
So my normal approach for any game in these events is simple: I get the game, make sure it's not a virus, then play it with as little information on how to play as possible. This way, I can judge how intuitively someone can figure out the game. Only if it's obvious that I need to read more will I do so. I note this so you can get a sense where some of these feedback comes from. In addition, I want to note that feedback and rating are different; don't use this feedback to gauge what I'll rate, nor should you view my rating as entirely indicative of my feedback.
This was such a cute game. I was so sad when it just suddenly ended. I'm not even into yaoi stuff but I was interested to see how this develops.
As a visual novel, it's really hard to give feedback as the primary element of any visual novel is its story. It takes a lot more before that sort of feedback can be given. So instead, I put my focus towards the script and trying to find any spelling or grammatical errors. There were a few here, so hopefully this list will help out.
1. "So. Can I ask how do you know this spot? It's the first time I get company here."
Change this to: "So, can I ask how you know this spot? It's the first time I've had company here."
This will make the sentence more casual and more grammatically correct.
2. "... but I thought you were either dating or really best friends."
Change the last part to either: "or really good friends" or " or best friends"
The reason why is you don't need to include "really" when describing best friends.
3. "You know what kind of questions comes next."
Remove the S at the end of comes. Since "questions" is a plural, you don't need the s for come. If it was singular, you would.
4. "I do pastries as a side hustle too sometimes."
Change to: "I do pastries as a side hustle, too."
Don't need the "sometimes" on there, and there should be a comma before the "too."
5. "Your remember the last conversation you've had with your mom."
Change to: "You remember the last conversation you had with your mom."
Not only was there a typo in the first word (your instead of you), but since this statement is in past tense (compared to the correction in #1, which is present tense) you don't need to include "have" in here, which you had contracted down to 've.
6. "Your sister and Alisa's mothers..." - This may not be a typo, I just want to confirm if "mothers" is supposed to be plural, aka Alisa had two mothers. If yes, ignore. If no, that S has gotta go.
This was all the stuff I caught. Hope this helps! Have a good one!
P.S. OLD MEN?! YOU CALL THESE TWO OLD MEN?! THEY'RE, WHAT, NOT EVEN 40 YEARS OLD! THAT'S NOT OLD!