I can understand and tell something, I was in the same page. Long time ago around my 13yrs, I fall in love to a closed friend of mine. Nowadays, that friendship just go away and never talk to him again, he is on my steam list, but is not the same person I knew before and the same for myself.
After that experience, I fall love again in to someone, wasn't the best, and then I do it again to other one! Was the worst experience I lived about love.
After all those experiences, I understand how to love myself and know me; this is something great to do, and finally i'm in a good relationship.
So, as you unloading on me, I can tell you something about love, friendship and life, If you're gonna love someone, do it with all emotions you have, but first you need to love your self. About friendship, It's the same as we try to find our similarities, all friends can be friends or even contacts only, but only you can decide who is your friend and who is your contact; and about life.. Life gets better, a strong man doesn't need to read the future, he makes his own. Equally, we don't need to forget we're not alone, even if we don't have no one near to us, we can find those people or live a lot for finding ourself.
Have a great day!