'Crypto will never be a viable alternative because there is simply no practical use for them' <- Bitrefill, coinsbee, eneba. Also there are stores and P2P markets similar to ebay that use payment in cryptocurrencies are not bit companies like amazon but exists. Another practical use is for savings. (if you are from a country with too much inflation or hyperinflation of course). I made donations to come back alive an ONG that works in Ukraine and pay with bitcoin. Also i pay my VPN with it too.
'and in countries like Egypt; it’s impossible to resell or even buy crypto.' <- Care to explain?
'It’s so frustrating to see people (especially tech bros) constantly glaze over a piece of tech' <- Chill man, we are just talking here, imagining solutions, not censoring anybody.
'simply is not accessible for a good chunk of the world' <- You can buy bitcoin in practically any place. Even Africans have bitcoin and use to buy stuff. Either acquiring via exchange or a P2P market or just working. Is not mainstream right, but not too niche or nonexistent.
'and can introduce risks to people’s lives for simply owning it.' <- what risks?
'Unless someone out there is ready to create an entirely new payment processor that can function in countries like Egypt' <- you can't set up something like that in a month or less than a year. Anybody can dream a new solution but sadly in this circumstance Bitcoin (or crypto) is probably the only existent alternative. (I don't think itch.io would deploy a crypto payment method anyway.) If you know any valid alternative to propose you can share it.