I can see the vision, but it’s not quite there yet. The concept is not bad, but the structure could use some refining. You accidentally set a trap for yourself by setting the time frame for EVERYTHING (pre-afterlife part) very short. As a result, we don’t get to get immersed in the character’s emotion, motivation, etc. The stake was there, but it felt flat. Again, because of the short frame, we’re not invested in the struggles.
I think it can be remedied by focusing the shift on the death part. Let the character dwell in their memory, regret, etc., instead of letting Death dominate the scene.
Well that’s my two cents. All in all, it’s a good attempt.