As a reader without knowledge of the main entry, I find this one quite enjoyable. It’s true that there are some unresolved questions, like what’s the deal with Nia, how could she just send hefty sums of money to Patrice, what’s the deal with this Croc that sounds important, etc. They itch, but not to the point of breaking the experience.
The visuals are great. Takes a while for me to get used to the sprites’ style, but they look good. The CGs are also amazing ~~I got some funny feelings from some of them~~
Next, uh… I’m gonna go thoroughly this time. Please take my words as constructive criticism, because I genuinely like the piece and am a bit baffled why it causes a bit of mixed opinions.
The banter between characters is entertaining. They feel alive. I don’t understand why some people think the structure is that bad. There are some pacing issues, sure, but I kinda get the importance of each scene. The story gotta tell about Patrice’s dilemma of moving on, his shared friendship and mutual bitterness about Nia’s absence with Liam, etc. However, the pacing was clearly uneven. The first half was slow and cozy, but the latter part felt incredibly rushed.
I personally blame it on three factors:
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The time frame of EVERYTHING was just, what, not even 24 hours? This might be why some people felt like the gym scenes really dragging. A large chunk of the story took place there in ONE GO: Patrice’s struggle to get out and back into normalcy, introducing Hugo, introducing the wolf, Patrice’s guilt seeing images of his ex on Oliver. That’s a lot of ground to cover. Breaking it down into multiple days might help. And Patrice, my man, I get you’re infatuated by the wolf, I would too, but you HAVE ISSUES. You just met him that afternoon. No way you can be sure that it’s a love. I’m also looking at you, wolf boy. Pipe down. That tiger is hot, I know, but have some control lol. As a result, Oliver’s grievance kinda felt brushed off (?) relative to the whole narrative, when arguably that’s a very crucial plot point.
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Sometimes there are not enough Patrice’s inner thoughts. I would say in the early scenes, some spoken lines should be thoughts instead, but that’s a minor thing. The real problem is… the narration could be too blunt at times, e.g.: “His body softens up.”, “His ears droop down.”, y’know minor things that describe actions / what’s happening. I’m not saying they’re not important, but dealing with a big topic of trying to move on involves a lot of emotions. The narration could definitely benefit by digging more into Patrice’s psyche, because at the current state, a hefty part only scratches the surface level.
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Ultimately, the max word count might be your biggest enemy, causing all the uneven pacing. I know you have like 6k more words to hit the limit, but it must have put some mental constraint on how you plan the scope of the story. Some scenes can be cut short, mainly the parts with Liam. Once it’s established that both Patrice and Liam share some grievance about Nia leaving them, I think the story can shift focus to Oliver.
I know it’s tricky when you have a solid roadmap of what you need to tell, but can’t deliver to the fullest. Welp, happens all the time in a game jam, I guess.
On a more technical note, there are some extra minor issues.
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There are unnecessary pauses that require a click to continue, such as “… Spit. It. Out.” Would highly recommend using {w=0.5} instead of plain {w}. On the other hand, some scene transitions could use bit of a pause.
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Sprite blocking. In most scenes, multiple characters are having a conversation, but the sprites are not facing each other, as if they are addressing us, the reader, directly. This is a bit weird because clearly the story is written from Patrice’s POV, and he is on the screen. Could be remedied by mirroring the sprites. Small detail, but it makes things more immersive.
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Audio works. Might be an oversight, but some parts were just dead silence. And I would reconsider picking music that fits better with the story beat.
Overall, the team has done an excellent job delivering this short story. It’s not perfect, but still a good read. Hopefully, my two cents can help the polishing post-jam. Oh, and this VN definitely piques my interest in the main entry. Great work!