itch.io

Alright, here's the list (I am going line by line in the code.):

1. Line 1, "Free Cheers!" - Is this meant to be "Three cheers!", "Cheers!", or a "Here Here!"? Because I personally haven't  seen that phrase used for something like this.
2. Line 15 & 17, "Hello, everyone! Uhh... I hope you all are having a good evening tonight!" and then afterwords goes to "Well, I'm very glad, and I do hope the rest of the evening will get better!" - This is a very little issue though, because I looked in your code and you mentioned that there was meant to be a sound clip where there would have been cheering, but it's not there. I'm assuming you didn't have time to put it in, so you could put an observation that the crowd cheered the MC on. I think that would make it feel a bit less disconnected, but it could be solved by putting the sound clip in and having a pause while the sound is playing.
3. Line 23, "And create newer and stronger bonds with each other!" - I think this is grammatically fine, but it sounds a bit off. Maybe changing it to something like, "And I hope we can all grow closer and forge new bonds!"
4. Line 28, "But it's ok, all is ok." - Again, I think it's grammatically correct it just sounds a bit off. Changing the all to everything sounds better.
5. Line 32, "You know, quite many people at my house, I'm not used to such." - This could be changed to something like "I'm not used to having so many people in my house."
6. Line 38, "You're doing well! A cute face such as yours can't always look so gloomy now..." - Change the can't to shouldn't or get rid of the always.
7. Line 46, "Onwards to the kitchen at the far east!" - I get that it's supposed to be the indicator for the reader to know where to go, but it could flow a bit nicer.  You could change who is saying it and make it sound like the MC is directing Eddy where to go. For example, "The kitchen is to the east of us." or "The kitchen is to our right." Then again, you are only able to go that one way so the line could just be taken out entirely and the dialogue should still be fine.
8. Line 78, "I can feel the savor and sweetness that I'll be having soon enough." - This could be changed to "I can already taste the savory and sweetness of the food that I'll be having soon."
9. Line 81, "If you want to talk more, I'll be at the dining area here having some of this adobo." - Just need to get rid of the "here".
10. Line 93, "Well, heya there! This party is quite so nice." - Having two adjectives that do the same thing make it sound strange, so I would change it to "Well, heya there! This party is quite nice!" or have them say "This party is nice!".
11. Line 100, "Well... It's not like I dislike him either, and since I offered to set up the party from our office, he is also a guest." - I would get rid of the either and change the second part to make a bit more sense. Something like "Well... It's not like I dislike him, and since this was a party for the company I thought I should invite him."
12. Line 103, "Oh! Then it might be a good time to get to know him better, then haha! But if I do have to say something, he noticed your lack of energy lately and thought you couldn't handle the prep for so many people, but he was proven wrong." - The second sentence doesn't make much sense. I'd change it to something like, "Oh! Then it might be a good time to get to know him better, then haha! Before you go though, I should tell you that he had noticed how tired you looked recently. He was worried that you weren't going to be able to prepare for the party. Obviously he was wrong! Haha!". Or, you could have him say something a bit meaner which would help with how apologetic Francis was later.
13. Line 108, "It's ok... I might talk to him then and know what he thinks of the party." - I'd change the know to learn or hear.
14. Line 139, "Buzzing, I can't really hear her..." - Maybe change it to, "I can't hear her over this buzzing noise...".
15. Line 146, "On some other time we can talk about it more! I'll inform my other friends too!" - Change the "On" to either "Or" or "And".
16. Line 225, "I enter the chill room and witness Francis berate Jerome. He notices me and walks over to my direction." - Just need to change the berate to berating.
17. Line 227, "Laine, I would like to apologize for what Jerome and I have said. I did not mean to offend you, I was concerned for your condition before the coming days of the party, as you seemed to have been tired from work a lot lately." - The second sentence needs to be tweaked a little bit. "I didn't mean to offend you, but I was concerned for your well-being. It looked like you were running yourself ragged.".
18. Line 233, "Other than the good food, enough and even more for the people here, I say you make a great atmosphere, and it's nice that everyone has been such a good chat to be with." - I would get rid of the "enough and even more for the people here", and the "to be with."
19. Line 234, "I'm very much glad." - Get rid of the much.
20. Line 238 & 239, "Did you hear something?" - Same thing as with line 15 & 17, if you put in the sound effect or if you put in an observation in the MC's mind it will feel nicer.
21. Line 246, "Is it not from the speakers downstairs having mic issues or something?" - I'd change it to something like, "Could it be from the speakers downstairs?" Make it sound like more of an observation/question.
22. Line 268, "That was... Weird, right?" - Get rid of the "right?", because it makes it seem like Laine is breaking the fourth wall a bit. Trying to get the reader to agree with them. (Now we get to the different routes. I'll do the Conq route first.)
23. Line 338, "I don't find that you hurting yourself for your work as the commendable thing." - It sounds a bit broken, so I would change it to, "I don't commend you overworking yourself, you need time to rest."
24. Line 370, "I steel yourself and head into the room." - There are two different perspectives written in this sentence, you either need to pick first person or third.
25. Line 375, "A not so loud scream as other guests are also nearby." - I'd get rid of the "also" and change "A not so loud scream" to, "A quiet yelp".
26. Line 390, "Do still put on some clothes... I'm a little uncomfortable..." - Change the "Do still" to "Please".
27. Line 418, "Sprawled out like that, I can see the definition across the crevices on his body." - Change the second part to something like, "I could see the definition of his muscles."
28. Line 424, "Wow is he pretty..." - I'd change it to a thought, and say "Wow, he is beautiful." Or whatever descriptor you would like to use.
29. Line 425, "Hehe, say bud, you seem to be gawking at me for a while there." - Change the "you seem to be gawking at me for a while there" to "you've been gawking at me for a while."
30. Line 439, "Ok, no, this is getting too far." - Change the "getting" to "going".
31. Line 452, "I gulp and come closer to him, I can feel the radiating heat from his body." - Switch radiating and heat.
32. Line 875, "Ahh... Laine, it's you, haha, I thought it was some other spirit I'm chasing. Aren't you quite the romantic?" - Take out the "quite".
33. Line 885, "No! You can't tempt me from taking me!" - Change the "You can't tempt me from taking me!" to "You can't tempt me into giving you my soul!".
34. Line 919, "But I still want your soul, you get a head start." - "But I still want your soul. I'll give you a head start."
35. Line 922, "What a tease you are... Getting you will be such joy!" - Change the second part to "Catching you will be fun!"
36. Line 934, "Here in this locket holds a deep emotional weight to me." - Change it to "This locket is really important to me."
37. Line 935, "I physically don't have the locket, of course, but..." - Change it to "I don't have anything in it right now, but..."
38. Line 949, "Haha, I don't know if you would believe me but I was worried for you." - Add a comma "believe me, but".
39. Line 952, "Would you consider that I also tempted you with my body?" - I don't know exactly what you were talking about with this line, but I'm interpreting it as Conq wanted to use his body to get MC's soul. So I would change it to something like, "I tried using my body to tempt you as well."
40. Line 953, "I think that was when I did want to try and get you to me." - Change this line to fit a bit better into the line before. For example, "I think that was when I was determined to get your soul."
41. Line 994, "Honestly I was able to be in this realm through the things I find out with blood sacrifices in my line of work, and such so..." - You just need a comma after the "Honestly". (That's all for the Conq route. Onto Sarah's route.)
42. Line 516, "Well you see what we do is on an agreed time me and the rest of the group gather some books that we have read over the last time we made a meeting." - This can be cut down and split into different sentences. For example "You see, we agree on a time to meet up and bring books that we have read since our last meeting."
43. Line 520, "Oh, a book I recall we once talked about a story of a human woman in a majority human world who has had an encounter with a mothman." - get rid of the "I recall", add "was" in between "about" and "a", and change the "human women in a majority human world who has had an encounter with a mothman" to something like "human woman who encountered a mothman, while the world was predominantly composed of humans".
44. Line 536, "And due to how accepting the world is, more and more genres like such are free to be read by the public." - Change the "such" to "it".
45. Line 541, "I think I have some in my room, some of them are books from old though." - Change the "some of them are books from old though." to "some of them are really old though.".
46. Line 566, "I was hearing that these are pretty good, so I bought them at the time." - Change some words "I heard that these were pretty good, so I bought them at the time."
47. Line 578, "I can very much agree on that, it was not a good read on that part." - You could change it to "I completely agree with you, it sucked reading through that part.".
48. Line 1033, "Oh this is great then this will be quite easy, how about you offer your soul to me wouldn't that be nice?" - add a comma "soul to me, wouldn't that be nice?".
49. Line 1039, "What if none of the foot rubs?" - Probably should change it to "What if I'm not good at foot rubs?"
50. Line 1067, "It may sound selfish, and I know you care more about my soul, which is probably more selfish..." - I would change this a bit because it makes it seem like the MC is calling Sarah selfish. Maybe to "It may sound selfish, and I know you care about my soul, which makes this even more selfish...".
51. Line 1068, "I don't really get all this death stuff, But I want to live, and be alive, not just survive." - Remove the "I don't really get all this death stuff."
52. Line 1072, "And in such destruction, I lose myself, I lose things that I care to love." - Remove the "care to"
53. Line 1080, "The side of war might lean you to come for that, but if you are going to fight, at least fight for things that could help others too!" - I don't really understand the first part of the sentence, but I think you could remove it and just have "If you are going to fight, at least fight for the things that could help others too!"
54. Line 1083, "I think... You're pretty right with that, Laine. Haha!" - Remove the "pretty".
55. Line 1119, "I rub my temples in cringe while smiling." - I would put the cringing part as one sentence and then after that sentence, have the MC smile. (Now onto Francis.)
56. Line 620, "If you entering the office looking like plant becoming brown attempting to get some light..." - I would change some of the phrasing, like "looking like plant becoming brown attempting to get some light" to "looking like a plant wilting due to a lack of sunlight."
57. Line 621, "Drinking so much coffee and jolting awake then getting back to working." - Same thing as above, "Drinking a lot of coffee and passing out in the office, just to jolt awake and get back to work."
58. Line 631, "But next time we come back to work, be aware of your health, ok?" - Change "come" to "go".
59. Line 638, show famiCasualHappyIThink - The sprite cannot be found
60. Line 641, "The food choice is great, enough water for everyone, and the music is just right." - add "there" before "enough".
61. Line 642, "That does make me feel quite better..." - Change the quite to "a bit".
62. Line 1131, "But I'm telling you I've been living well all because of the abundance of these that I collect, so I can buy so much food." - needs a comma before the "all because".
63. Line 1169, "A swing of this and it's lights out for either of us, some joy and whimsy in our lives for once in a while." - Change "swing" to "swig".
64. Line 1182, "You told me to take care of myself and finally enjoy myself after all this time, a peace between 2 entities." - the second part doesn't make sense, unless you are talking about the MC's body and soul. If that is the case then it should be changed to "a peace between my body and soul."
65. Line 1210, "You better not lose quick after I get you back to your body, and as far as I know, you still need something good to eat!" - I'm assuming when you said lose, you meant die. So I would recommend changing it to "You better not die after I get you back to your body, last I checked you still need something to eat!"
66. Line 1218, "Haha! I do alright, we're gonna be having the best time of ur lives!" - forgot the o (Onto death.)
67. Line 1240, "Which is why when you are so close to it, I am here to get you soon." - I'd rephrase this a bit, something like "Which is why I am here now, your body is failing you."
68. Line 1250, "You speak truth, unless you do enjoy your job at least." - add "the" before truth.
69. Line 1251, "You are not wrong in that there are those who would experience grief over their loss of you." - I'd just add a "And" at the beginning of the sentence.
70. Line 1252, "I don't mean it to be egotistic or anything, I just, still want to be alive, I'm not ready to leave yet. - Remove the "it" and  add -al, to egotistic.
71. Line 1263, "It may not be how everyone goes about it, but to me, I also want to give this to someone I care about deeply and see a future with them together." - a bit too much for one sentence so either break it up into two sentences or make the sentence shorter. Something like, "It may not be how everyone does it, but I want to give this to someone I love and see a future with."
72. Line 1266, "Sentimentality keeps one grounded, as I do see in some cases." - Remove the "do".
73. Line 1281, "In this world, you may have died already, or possibly have some sort of good end come you by." - Remove the "come you by.".
74. Line 1328 & 1329, "Soon I'm at the hospital, there were others." & "It was poison." - I would change this a bit to flow a bit better, "Soon, I'm at the hospital looking at some of my coworkers that came with me." "We had gotten poisoned from something." (That's it for the Death route.)
75. (The prelude to the game section) Line 740, "They want your soul and damn it finally that you're here our body wont need much more effort." - I think I understand what is being said here, but I'm going to re-write it to what I think it means. "They want your soul, and now that you're here our body can finally move around."
76. (And now onto the script.rpy) Line 404, "You want to read the beginning again or get into the game?" - Add "Do" to the beginning.
77. (True end) Line 515, "And for all I know, nobody has left the house yet. - Rephrase it a bit to something like, "I know nobody has left the house."
78. Line 578, "Told me they didn't know what to do if I did, as I was still so young." - Add a they to the beginning of the sentence.

OK, I'm finally done with it. Granted some of this may be wrong and there might also be some other mistakes that I missed. Also, I didn't mention it on here, it's fine to use contractions (unless you weren't using them to make them have a certain voice.). Also I found the character thoughts at the end of the story file pretty funny lol. I hope this helps! And sorry this took so long.