There's not much to say about this one. It's a pretty obvious first draft. The presentation is very bare-bones, and the writing is a bit inconsistent. There are some good ideas here, but they aren't explored interestingly. It's also not really a subversion/parody aside from a few lines, so it failed to hit that mark. My advice would be to iron out your ideas and make them into something more concrete and tight. It's a start, and hopefully you learned a few things from writing this, but there are still a lot of things you need to work on.