On the whole, I think there's a fairly coherent & satisfying narrative in there, even if some aspects of the execution fail to do it justice.
The structure feels very uneven; the first half in particular is kind of episodic and meandering, missing a lot of scaffolding that would make it easier to grasp why scenes follow each other in the way they do. For instance, the character drama with the parents moves forward when Min just decides to talk with them about it, seemingly out of the blue. As another example, the stakes in the whole magic mystery thing only really emerge close to the end – before that, it's only spooky stuff happening without much of a throughline. There's a lot that could be improved in the basics: setup and payoff, justifying scene transitions, characters having clear goals, and so on.
Secondly, the writing is also a bit unpolished on the level of prose. The pacing can be bumpy; descriptions are often sparse and not timed to build atmosphere when a new scene starts. A good example is the opening, which goes by so, so fast despite the fact that we're seeing this setting for the first time. There's a lot of strange imagery ("a person: flesh controlled by bacon fat", "the skys water has mostly stopped") and issues in sentence structure. Typos and other mechanical errors are quite common, too, and the use of commas is especially disorganized, harming the flow of many lines. It's all comprehensible, but ironing out some of the problems would help a lot.
Finally, as far as presentation goes, the UI frankly just looks a bit messy. Enough of Ren'py's default stuff remains that all the changes look out of place, and what is there is not super pretty to look at or a good match for the tone and genre of the story. As a really annoying technical issue, the hitboxes of the buttons appear to encompass the pixels that make up the text only, so you have to move your mouse on top of the actual letters before the game registers you're hovering.
I will say that despite my criticisms, the story had plenty of charming moments and felt like it went somewhere worthwhile by the end. It's not the most muddled or the least compelling in the jam, but everything is rough around the edges in a way that was difficult to ignore while reading.