Having read all that, I can't articulate a response that covers all of what you've said. So I'll just say this, I get it. I personally really hate comparing myself to others because I worry it'll make them feel bad, or less seen for it. But I do feel a lot of what you're saying. Having autism and ADHD has made life really difficult for me at time, and that mixed with other stuff like anxiety has led to me pondering suicide as well. It'd logically save me so much trouble and hardship, for a little bit of pain and sadness. I understand why people speak against suicide so much, it's a permanent action to take against a potentially impermanent situation, though I disagree with the negative outlook. But regardless, I keep kicking, though some days I wonder when I'm finally just going to shrug and decide I've gone on long enough. Something that keeps me going is waiting for things I like to come out. Whether that be games, audiobooks, or other stuff. I like DD. That's a pretty flat statement, I enjoy it as is regardless of what it might be in the future. So take as long as you need, I'd like to play it before I croak, but waiting on this keeps me going so it's doing a net positive for me. And when/if it ever comes out, sweet. Hopefully I'll be there to play it, who cares if I'm not. I appreciate that you spoke me through everything, it was very kind of you.
I can only apologise for the sheer length of the rambling >.< I wouldn't dream of asking anyone to even attempt to reply to that wall of text that I left, so don't worry about that x3 I'm just sorry that I basically allowed most of my brain to leak out there, haha. I feel like I probably didn't even do a decent job of explaining things either since my brain is such a mess at the moment, so I'm sorry for that too >.<
I get what you mean when it comes to comparing yourself cos I feel similarly. In the therapy group that I'm in atm, I feel like I can't even speak/share my experiences when everyone else does because I don't want it to come across like I'm trying to play trauma top trumps >.< That just wouldn't be constructive for anyone, haha.
Even though I only have an autism diagnosis right now, and am awaiting an ADHD assessment, both my therapists and my GP seem convinced I have ADHD, and that it's the ADHD that's causing most of my problems in life rather than my autism. They keep saying things will get better once I get the ADHD diagnosis and can look at having ADHD-specific therapy, but I feel like having autism and ADHD is like a cursed combo :(
I don't know about you, but for me, it feels like I'm constantly being torn in two different directions, and it feels like I'm gonna be ripped apart >.< There's just never any peace in my head because if the autistic part is happy, the ADHD part is pissed off, and vice versa :( It's like, I don't know how to unite those parts of me, and without some sort of balance, it's just constant chaos that's eventually gonna kill me.
So yeah, I'm sorry that you've had to struggle with that combo and that it's made life difficult for you too :(
For the first time in my life, I had a therapist almost validate my suicidal ideation by saying that it technically is logical to want to die if you're in pain all the time. Him saying that made me feel the tiniest bit better because at least it was like he was trying to understand, unlike most therapists who just start giving me the talk about how I must take myself to A&E, call up emergency lines, etc.
I understand why they have to do that cos it's just part of their job, but it is frustrating to be told it constantly because if I am ever gonna attempt something like that again in my life, I won't be talking to anyone about it because I won't want someone to stop me >.< I've always tried to explain that if I am actually talking about it, it means I'm not right on the edge yet, and that I'm trying to get help x3 It's when I stop talking about it that things go downhill fast.
Anyways, I'm glad that you're still here and fighting :3 I also wonder how much longer I will manage to last >.< I guess all we can do is take things day by day!
I can totally understand that looking forward to things coming out is something that keeps you going because video games, books, and films used to help me in that way too :3 It's just, somewhere along the line, I lost my ability to truly look forward to stuff and completely stopped paying attention to updates and announcements for things >.< I don't really know exactly why or how, but it's like I can't get excited for upcoming releases anymore even if it's something I might be interested in.
I remember that looking forward to new games and stuff really helped me to keep going when I was younger though! Heck, I still think I wouldn't have even made it through secondary school if it wasn't for Final Fantasy X >.<
I'm sorry that I'm not really a stable enough of a person to be able to help by having more regular updates and things :( I wish I could. Cos it really does mean a lot that you like DD. I just wish I could be the kind of person who is stronger, more resilient, more productive etc. instead, I am quite useless a lot of the time >.< It's like I am able to function for some of the year, and not able to function for most of it.
I'd like to be able to finish DD before I croak, and you say you'd like to play it before you croak... so I guess let's both try our best not to croak anytime soon!!! We've gotta hang on, damn it x3
Seriously, though, just thank you for being you :3 And sorry again for inflicting such a huge wall of text on you >.< I'm just extra fragile and messed up at the moment, and I think the Amitriptyline that my GP put me on for my headaches is also making everything much worse in terms of brain functioning >.<
I really hope that you're able to find lots of things to look forward to that help you to keep going at least :3 Cos as bleak as it can be, the world is certainly full of amazing stuff... it's just hard to find/see it sometimes!!