A bit late to the party here, but I'm glad I got around to it eventually. I really liked this!
Not sure on how to really organize my thoughts here but I guess I'll start with...
Pacing and structure:
Like the VN in general, mostly good with a few comments that I'll have later. I like the slow burn, at least for the first act, and taking our time getting to know the gang. I especially like the way volathine itself is handled in the narrative. I think a lot of writers would be tempted to do an exposition dump at the beginning of the story giving more detail about what the central conflict point is, but I like that we're left in the dark for most of the story so far with scant details being added as we go. I'm almost more interested in figuring out what volathine actually is and where it comes from than I am in the actual characters, and I don't mean that as a bad thing. It's not always easy to handle lore in such an interesting way.
With that said, sometimes I think the pacing can drag a little at times. There is a lot of relative mundanity between the first action scene and the next real "plot" point, which I would consider the library, and while I absolutely enjoy the downtime, I think something important to consider is...
Flat vs. developed characters:
Right now, the only characters that appear to have an arc in the story are Daren and Sparrow. Now, I'd never want to insinuate that someone like Lilith is a flat character, since she, I mean, you know, clearly she has... that is, she...
...nevermind.
Jokes aside, there is an actual narrative foundation there for Lilith that could be accessed later, but Shamy is basically already self-actualized and End (and I am choosing my words very carefully here since that appears to be well, you) does not have a ton of narrative depth at this point. Probably less than any of the main cast. Tower is also there, but Tower is this weird situation where he's gotten way less screen time than anyone else and I'm still not really sure what his deal is at all.
To try to get my rambling tail back on point, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having flat characters - most stories need those characters to make the dynamic ones shine. But it feels like we're spending a LOT of time with Shamy and End and I'm wondering if some of this could be cut to focus more on...
Sparrow:
To clarify, I don't think we necessarily need more Sparrow scenes in the first act. I think what's there is fine, but right now the act feels kind of lopsided, where Sparrow is the first party member introduced, then basically disappears for half the demo, and then the second half of the demo is almost entirely about her. I think by managing the screen time (not even necessarily amount of scenes, but maybe even just the length of them) of other characters that shift might not feel as extreme. Not something I'd spend a ton of time adjusting now, just something to keep in mind as you develop your style.
With that said, sometimes the development between Daren and Sparrow can still feel a bit rushed or convenient. Like, Sparrow doesn't talk to anyone about anything but Daren happens to come across a comic book he likes in the library, happens to use that as a conversation starter with Sparrow, and then she immediately has a totally socially engaged conversation about shipping? Or Sparrow wanting to go do her own thing during steak night but Daren saying "okay but what if you didn't though" and she changes her mind immediately?
I'm not saying Sparrow's characterization is bad. I like her a lot, much more than I thought I would at the beginning of the story, but some of these interactions just feel way too easy and not necessarily "earned" for someone who's reportedly so impossible to break down.
I do really like the bits of character hidden throughout the early stages though, like Sparrow's knowledge of the draconic language and the implication that she might have been the one that left the comic book there in the library. I just think that conversation is a bit convenient since Daren wouldn't have any way of knowing that.
I think one of my biggest questions about the future of the VN is whether Daren x Sparrow is set in stone. She's certainly the feature of the store page, the promotional material, etc., and the end message "I wonder how Daren's relationship with Sparrow and the rest of the guild" seems to suggest that as well. It might be personal taste, but...
Lilith:
Lilith kinda feels like the better ship to me. Her chemistry with Daren feels much more natural, and this kinda feels like one of those situations where someone pines after their crush but really the best friend character was the one that was right for them all along.
As I mentioned before, there's a lot there to play with for her character with her being spread too thin with trying to be a primary source of income, manufacture all the potions and such for the gang, be (up until this point) the only emotional outlet for Sparrow, and just generally be like the actual main contributor in keeping the guild afloat.
The fact that she's already comfortable in her own fur seems like it would make it easier for her to be emotionally available whereas Sparrow's issues seem like they'd take much longer to get to that point. The little cuddle session right at the end of the demo felt kind of out of nowhere for me. Like I did not think we were at that stage yet.
I have full confidence that you'll be able to develop the Sparrow romance regardless if that's where we're going, but just wanted to throw that out there.
Miscellaneous musings:
I have absolutely no issues with having different artists do CGs for the game, but if possible I think it might help to encourage folks to stay "on-model" with the base sprites. Like for example, Sparrow is generally depicted as having a sort of slim, toned, athletic build, but then you have images like "cs forest return" where she is straight up voluptuous. And like, don't get me wrong, I drooled a little bit, but it's kinda like watching a TV show where there's just a completely different actress playing a character in one scene, and it can be a bit jarring when you've been picturing a character one way for the last 30 minutes and then you see something very different.
That transformation sequence in the research lab was absolutely killer though. Especially with the downtime between action scenes, just throwing the reader back into the body horror like that was really impactful and I absolutely loved it.
I don't have much to say about the writing style itself, other than I think you're very good. No typos or awkwardness, and even the references and such were subtle and didn't feel forced or cringey.
I know I had a fair bit of constructive criticism here, but definitely treat it as just that - constructive. I really, really liked this and would really, really like to see this completed whenever you're ready to roll it out :)