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(1 edit) (+4)(-4)

I notice a great many people being incredibly vague and pussyfooting around the truth in an effort to be polite. The short version of this is, this is... terrible. The premise might not be but the execution is. I get the sense that the author is not a native English speaker, which is fine, but they might wish to write it in their native language and then translate it or have it translated. I couldn't get past more than a few screens before it grated on my nerves so badly I could not continue.  The prose is perfunctory at best and nonsensical at worst, and lacks any descriptions to speak of. This is an IF. You are painting a picture with words, you're not even giving us the line art. Perhaps the author should go back and do an outline of this and then try writing it when they are more experienced writing this kind of narrative.  The passion for the subject is there, the desire seems to be. In fact I think that's why it's the way it is, the author was so excited to do this, they jumped the gun before they were equipped to. So please, don't give up but go equip yourself to give your audience what you and they deserve, because this does a disservice to both. 

(+4)

Well people do get the idea, there is no need to be unnecessary rude in the end it's a hobby/passion project. 

I find people tend to react more positively to carrot especially in writing community.