Post by Caesarin0 in Broken Dreams comments

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I think the plot is a really cool idea, but imo the writing is just not there.

The characters tend to feel fairly bland, while even somewhat nonsensical in the case of Hana, and progression of the story hinges heavily on similar nonsensical writing, and the protagonist being.....rather dumb, I feel.

The first instance is really early on imo, with the principal canceling his health insurance, and then trying to threaten him to keep quiet since higher ups wouldn't believe him over her. This.....doesn't make any sense? It isn't a he-said she-said circumstance of being his word against her's, there was already a tangible consequence to her doing that, with evidence.

Similarly, later on when the principal confronts you about being seen with Hana, the conversation again feels nonsensical in order to get to the end the plot demands. Why would the principal wait to confront us, when in every previous case she acted immediately? Why would she refuse to verify anything with Hana? Why didn't the protagonist say a single thing to explain a circumstance that is extremely easy to defend?

It's a shame, since the idea behind the game seems interesting, but the writing feels like it's bumbling along with little regard for the involved characters...

Hjalgrim185 days ago

agreed. The principal is generally the weakest part of the entire story. The other characters work well enough, especially if you cut some slack since most indie devs are inexperienced writers. But the principal creates more issues and plotholes than she solves. So I usually just skip all content involving her. Since the story isn't all that complex (yet imo still interesting enough to keep coming back), you can piece together things well enough even if you skip the content of a specific character or two.

Completely skipping everything concerning specific characters is actually something I do in many indie games/VNs nowadays since it makes a lot of them far more coherent. Surprisingly many games have a character or two who take away more from the story than they add.

Caesarin0184 days ago

One thing that stuck out to me is how almost every time there's any sort of development, it's complete nonsense.

Nothing Hana does makes any sense at any point. Her deciding to get the protag a watch makes no sense, the way the confrontation plays out makes no sense, the way she approaches the circumstance after the confrontation makes no sense. It seems clear to me that there was very little planning, because almost every encounter with her has seen the author write themselves into a corner and having to do these nonsensical things to get out of it.

Kaede's story honestly felt so weird, but not for the reasons the story tried to make it. Protagonist is literally just being nice by offering to play games with her, which while unusual for a teacher to do, is not immoral at all! Yet....the protagonist starts yapping about how he's so horrible and creepy for doing this to a student. The strange insistence that this scenario MUST be creepy is the part that feels strange to me.

It's really a shame, since I did think the concept was interesting. Not terribly unique or originally, but interesting enough that at first I wanted to see it through. I.....do not think I will be seeing it through anymore.

Biggering184 days ago (1 edit)

I wouldn't criticize a game from an incomplete perspective, this game is still ongoing and I'm still trying to explain things that happened before the start of the game, because those things take more time to develop, also, ideas are way faster than the actual workflow, I wish my long term planification was good enough to make sense once the full picture of the Broken Dreams universe has been completed, I'm not asking you to be patiente, you can criticize all you want, at the end of the day, I just want a story that respect itself.

Your words:
"The first instance is really early on imo, with the principal canceling his health insurance, and then trying to threaten him to keep quiet since higher ups wouldn't believe him over her. This.....doesn't make any sense? It isn't a he-said she-said circumstance of being his word against her's, there was already a tangible consequence to her doing that, with evidence."

Look, the answer to this exists since december 2021, and nobody, NOBODY, has intepreted correctly, and it's fine, because I've not given enough information to solve the puzzle, is there a reason why their superiors want him there? why is he so worried about losing his job and talk to his higher ups? why?

And look, calling Hana a bland character just because acts like your default tsundere girl is at some point fair, at the time I'm writting this comment of course, because, her story is still in a quite early stage.

your words again:
"Kaede's story honestly felt so weird, but not for the reasons the story tried to make it. Protagonist is literally just being nice by offering to play games with her, which while unusual for a teacher to do, is not immoral at all! Yet....the protagonist starts yapping about how he's so horrible and creepy for doing this to a student. The strange insistence that this scenario MUST be creepy is the part that feels strange to me."

There's a big reason why THE MAIN CHARACTER considers this a bad idea, deep down in him, he knows the result from previous experiences. This is not intended to be a creepy scenario for YOU, the player, that brings me to my next point, I don't want you to be the main character, that's why at the very start of the development, you weren't able to select a name for the player, because I don't want that, but, making this decision was good tho, now you're obliged to be the player, and despite him, this is not a game about being a good person, this game in fact is about being a shitty person trapped in a world making him a good person, and you'll see why, at the end, is very easy to critizice when you don't know the whole story, right?

My conclusion is that you don't see what you want to see on the story, and it's fine, I don't suffer because of comments about this game, I uinderstand that I'm not perfect, I work as hard as I can to make an enjoyable visual novel, sorry if this is not the game that you expected.

Oh btw, I learnead a new language just to bring you a story, because it's the language you know, this sounds personal, but I'm very tired of this kind of comments calling my grammar and style bad, of course it's not good, my thinking is in on a complete different dimension, I don't see the world in English, it's hard, very hard, and I already created a good story for a lot of people, and I'm happy with that, I'm improving of course, I don't want to think that I'm perfect, again, this is just my attempt to create a good game.

RayV6184 days ago

Relax brother we appreciate the effort and passion you’re putting into this game. I can see that there’s a lot of depth and long term planning behind the story, even if some things aren’t fully clear yet. I respect that you’re taking the time to craft something meaningful, and I understand that storytelling especially in a second language is a huge challenge. Keep doing what you love, and I hope you’re able to bring your vision to life the way you intend. Looking forward to seeing how everything comes together!

itch.io

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