Post by SweetChiel in New Ver. Nusantara: Legend of The Winged Ones comments

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Aaah, I think I know what you mean!
I've seen games with MC that depends on your choice, she/he can lean more toward Evil or Good. Unfortunately, I've never played one (my choices are limited back then because I can't buy paid ones, only play free ones >_<;)

And I think it will be difficult for me to write the Evil route, because honestly, I'm more inclined to write fluffy romance/comedy, my limit is to write angst/bad ends/dark fairy-tales 😂 I do appreciate the input though! I like the idea of writing more short bad ends if the reader choose a wrong option. (I did this with the Antagonist route in "Nusantara: Bermuda Triangle" and I think I can improve it some more thanks to your feedback. The readers will just have to save more often lol)

As for Hell...
I'm sure everyone have their own thoughts/opinion regarding matters about Hell or Demons. For me, I'm not keen about the idea of joining Hell--I mean, is Satan even recruiting? Are we evil enough/interesting enough for him to let us join him? The biggest chance is He'll just throw us to the fire and forget about us while we're tortured/paying for our 'insignificant' sins.

Once again, thank you for sparing some time to write me so much review~

Raven143 days ago(-2)

Try some games labeled "Dark Romance" on my page. Some of the games I've played just ends the game early (like one about a haunted train --if you get off you get a 'bad end' as in nothing happens and you live your normal life, but if you stay you get stuck there), sometimes it's obviously that a choice will get you killed (like running away from the yandere-esque guy in the swamps) but the fact that you CAN try, consequences be damned, make you far more at peace with the forceful main story.

I think the best games have a more morally neutral characters (if they can't choose personality), because it lets people overlay their own morality on that person.
A few 'false choices' can make you, as a player, feel more in control and more like it is you playing the game (letting the player name their character improves this immersion in the game too), because it feels like it's happening to to -you-, not a random stranger.

All characters will resonate more with one person than the other, but choices is what makes people pick up a game instead of a novel.
And with the sheer amount and variation of novels (and fanfiction) out there, it's not a marked you want to compete with.

Your story is extremely well written (and I say that as someone who's studied writing) but I think it would be better if you threw in some choices, both real and false.
ESPECIALLY in the beginning.
I know many people who end up dismissing a whole game before it even begins if there's no choice popping up during the first 2-5 minutes of gameplay. (Personally I'm more stubborn, and use the skip button to check before giving up. lol)
Far too many run-ins with the pure novel style of Visual Novels that often (tho not always) are less well written than published books (not surprising because creating a Visual Novel is more work than pure writing) makes many people skeptically to invest time and effort in something that fails the basic premise that this is a game and will therefore have choices.

Try to an Everyman type mc.
They're everyone because they're no one.
They need -some- personality, but allowing the reader to guide choices (especially moral choices, and how they feel about something) actually lets the reader feel more at home in the person they control.
And moral choices are, 90% of the time, flavor choices that requires a few sentences of text to be changed at the most. Maybe just a single sentence. A mere way of thinking and feeling.
But the impact on the reader is great.

If you need ideas for bad endings tho, just ask. I'm excellent at ideas, even if I'm too lazy to write them. lol
(Also, this game is tribes in the wilderness. Trying to run away there is five million ways to die. Hunger. Sickness. Wild animals.... Pissing off the godess of the world --although she can't actually harm you, can she? She pretty much admitted that herself. But I imagine she can make life difficult somehow anyway just by refusing to save you if you scream for help. lol)

Satan is ALWAYS recruiting.
Clearly you have not read books written around the time of the witch trials. :p

Of course, to actually join him you have to work for it.
But considering he's at war with heaven, at the very least he'll always accept people willing to fight for him.
For a different kind of position you need to gain the favor of a demon lord willing to take you as his servant tho.
The Devil himself is overflowing with offers these days.

Does he seem like someone who'd want to follow g-d's plan?
Why on earth would he give a damn if humans suffered? He's not exactly gaining anything by doing so.

According to certain saints who said they have seen Hell, the main torture is that you're removed from g-d's grace. Hell is a place of Darkness, where you still can see the demons.
The 'torture' in Hell is pretty much that the victim is presumed to want to go to heaven, presumably is a cristian, and just fucked up his life royal and now have to sit and think about it.
There is little actual information in the bible. Only that people seem to suffer. Without explaining why.
(Not counting the political propaganda that is the King's James' infamous faulty translation.)
Revelations have some hints at it, I think, but that is another part that has for one thing not yet happened, and for another is so chalk-full of propaganda it's not even funny. (I'm pretty sure it's been linked to various nations opposing the people who wrote that thing.)

So as far as I can tell, Hell is a place where people bothered by guilt torment themselves.
Everyone else have a much better time of it, and occult resources suggest that truly evil humans can become demons themselves. ^_^
(I also happen to know a ritual for it. lol)

Oh, and I meant to ask...

Any chance you plan to make some DCL with NSFW content? ^_^
I am sure Reksa is a BEAST in bed! ❤️

(And I guess those who like the bird people guys have someone more civilized and boring. One of them anyho. lol
Some people might like that too I guess.)

Btw.... Your game is severely under-priced on Steam.
A game of your level (provided you show there IS choices in the demo) could easily go for twice as much.
It may not be professional standard like the endless row of Otome games that is a copy of every other otome game against a different backdrop --but in many ways the originality of your story makes it better, and in terms of writing it's more professional than the majority of games on Itch.

A little more practice (or study of writing techniques), some more choices, a few more endings, and I think you could actually have competed with the big names like the Demonheart series, who seem to have started at Itch.
(At least the game is here, so I presume so.)

If you want to study writing techniques btw, check out Brandon McNulty on YouTube.
He's a published writer who does 'how to write' better videos. And he's very good at them.

SweetChiel142 days ago(+3)

Hello again and thank you for the recommendations and references for learning material! I always have room for improvement, I'll do my best to learn and polish my writing skills!

However, I'll have to draw the line about NSFW content >///< I'm too embarrassed to write them--heck I even sometimes still blush when writing fluffy scenes, so... yep, maybe not for me.

And, ah, I see that our knowledge about hell is different. It might have something to do with my country having diverse beliefs and I get to hear more things about it. So let me share with you: (of course, my knowledge is also limited & might be flawed so take it with a grain of salt, you might want to make your own research!)

- in Islam, hell is a place where we will suffer physically and spiritually. The punishment differs depending on our sins. For example, if we do sin with our mouth, our tongue will be pulled out/hammered with iron nails/cut off depending on the severity. Then the tongue will regenerate & the punishment will repeat. If we do fraud/steal with our hands, our hands will be cut off with dull swords and then it will regenerate. The same happens with other body parts... rapists will have a hot iron pole inserted from below and they will suffer a slow death before repeating it again. The most severe is probably getting thrown into a lava lake & we can feel our skin/organs melting while we struggle to swim to the shore. we will revive and the torture begins anew. Meanwhile, those who commit suicide will repeat their moment of death in a loop.

the interesting part is each of the sinners will have an attendant/torturer and they will have our face. I'm not sure what they symbolize but maybe to remind us that we did this to ourself? Oh, there are 7 layers of hell if you're wondering how big hell is according to Islam

- in Buddhism, they believe in reincarnation. All of us will drink forgetful soup before jumping into different lakes of reincarnation. We can become a tree/insect/animals/human again depending on our karma. It also decides whether we'll have good luck or bad luck in our next lifetime. I'm not sure whether there's an end or not, but maybe we reincarnate until we achieve enlightment and ascend? (like the Buddha story)

There are quite a lot of similarities about Hell if I read chinese/japanese novels though. It's all mixed up but the punishment part is similar except from the bible which is a little vague. But at least, now you can probably imagine the punishment.

As for why the Devil is doing God's bidding (torturing sinners), who knows? maybe he just enjoys it, because he's Lucifer. I mean, he is essentially also the prisoner of Hell (because he rebelled & got thrown down), not its ruler who follows God's commands; his actions within Hell might be driven by his own desire to cause suffering and tempt others, not by God's will.

in any case, what Heaven and Hell truly is will be different since we have different beliefs. I like to think the different Gods/Demons all exist lol (how else can they monitor the millions and millions of humans). Maybe Buddha & Jesus are drinking tea together right now along with the other small Gods or whatnot lol. And then, we will simply be judged according to what belief we have after death.

Jokes aside, I enjoy our exchange of knowledge. I will continue to make visual novels slowly while also trying to survive my office job :') so I hope to see you around!

xoxo,

SweetChiel

Raven141 days ago(-4)

If you want to work on your writing skills, I can recommend Brandon McNulty's youtube chanal, and the book "Save the Cat Writes a Novel".
(The book also have a variant for screenplays, if that's better for games like this.)

Although you're already head and shoulders over most games here, it never hurts improving more.
Which is probably why you're head and shoulders above the rest with that thinking. lol7

Awwww.... *pouts*

I'd say I'd help you out, but I am nowhere near as good at writing NSFW scenes as I wish I was.
It'd probably come out sounding like a bad version of a Marquis de Sade novel, cuz he's my favorite author. lol
I'm now-where near as good a writer as you.

I'd happily help you become less shy if you want tho. ^_^
...but I fear your head might explode instead with my libertine mindset.

If you need ideas to polish, I could easily write something tho.
Although I suppose I'd have to play the bird brains to get a feel for their personality if I were to try that.
I fear I was too wrapped up in obsessing over my darling lizard to notice anyone else. ^_^

It might have something to do with the fact that most people do not actually study the bible.
They listen to what their preacher (or tv shows) says, merge it with modern ethics, and call it faith, when it's more of a hap-hazard pick-and-choose version of something that makes them feel good about dying.

And I am more of a scholar.
I've studied the topic for years.

Islam is different, if based on the same basic religion.
(Both types can be traced back to Zoriasterism for that matter.)

I can't say I have studied that holy book specifically, but I was under the impression there was no Hell in that religion?
Does it specifically state those things in the book, or is it a human interpretation of the text that may or may not be politically motivated as a way to control people?

Humans are always fallible after all.
That's the biggest flaw with 'interpreting' holy books; Everyone who does so have their own agenda.
The only real truth is what is clearly stated on paper. In the original version of it.

I wonder tho, if the talk of the torturer wearing you own face is meant as a metaphor for guilt.
Which would mean you essentially torment yourself because you feel guilty.

It is a known fact that you don't exactly have a body after you die, so how do you feel physical torture without a body capable of feeling pain?
Would it not make more sense if the pain was mental? And the description of the torment a human attempt to describe what cannot truly be described?

Budhism I am more familiar with.
Few things terrifies me quite so much as Nirvana. *shudders*
But I admit I am far from fully grasping what happens after death, beyond what is "common knowledge", which is usually not correct at all, twisted to fit the individual person and place, and what they consider morals and ethics.

I DO know that the ACTUAL writings of Buddha is massively mis-represented, however.
He insisted on NO feelings, for one thing.
Do not feel hate. Do not feel love. Do not feel sadness. Do not feel joy. Nothing.
It does not encourage you to care about other people either, simply to detach yourself from them.
To neither hurt nor help them, if my memory serves me right.
(I have read the translation of a few of his original texts.)

Mmh... Japan have something more similar to Hell. Tho I am vague on what.

Chinese mythology.... I think it's more similar to Hades/Hel --an underworld without torment or feelings.
Practically Nirvana, but with negative intonations. lol

But I am extremely iffy on Chinese mythology, and only a little more knowledgeable on Japanese.
So don't take my word for it on those two. It requires more studies.

Actually, there is a place between the old and the new testament when Satan's role changed.

In the old testament he was more used by g-d, but at some point he broke free and took control instead.
Of course... he also used to make bets with g-d, such as the one with job, where g-d let him ruin a man's life, kill his wife and children whom he loved, for no other reason to prove a point.
(And if you have ever met someone who grieves for a loved one, you know that replacing them with new wife and kids does nothing to dim the pain of the loss of the old ones. So it's pretty cruel.)

And, of course, one must consider how much is propaganda, seeing as the enemy of the Devil is not likely to portray him in a good light.
If you spend half a second studying things like WW2 and the Vietnam War you quickly see how different it looks from the different sides.

But back to the topic of Visual Novels....

If you DO want to try and make NSFW content tho, I would be happy to help you out.
Because I really do love this game, and want to see it.

I am sadly not that good at drawing people, but I do have -some- skills in writing.
It would almost certainly need some editing, however, to live up to your story's style and skill.
(And a better way to exchange information than a public comment section. lol)

So just tell me if you want me to try it. I'd love to see this game become even more amazing than it already is. ^_^

lady_owl109 days ago

May I answer your questions with my basic knowledge as a Muslim?

First, yes, we do mention hell. Islam works on encouragement and intimidation, and hell is mentioned just as it mentions heaven. Of course, a child killer and a righteous person who has never killed an ant in his life won't BOTH enter heaven , right?

And for the sake of addition, our source of information as Muslims is the Quran and what the Prophet said, and I don’t know if you know, but the Quran is the only heavenly book that has not been actually distorted. You can search anywhere and you won't find “two editions” of the Quran or anything like that, unlike the Bible, for example, you will find the Gospel of Luke, the Gospel of John, etc. What I want to get across is, there is no wrong understanding of the Quran, scholars have worked hard to interpret it correctly throughout time.

Also, what was said about the person who has the face of a sinner is wrong information. There is no such thing in Islam. Sinners are tormented according to the sins they committed in life.

To answer your last question, the torment of Hellfire is truly upon the soul and the body, and it feels it and suffers the utmost pain. it is recreated as it was in this world, flesh, and is recreated as a complete body and soul. So the body that obeyed God is blessed with the soul, and the body that disobeyed God is tormented with the soul. Both are restored, the body and the soul, to bliss and torment - together.

My apologies for bothering you again.. and I hope you benefited from what I said.

lady_owl109 days ago

ahh , may i interrupt you both a little ?

i was reading game reviews - a bad habit of mine - and saw this talk , i can't help but comment !
as a muslim myself , i want to correct a few things ,

you are right , hell is a place where sinners suffer physically and spiritually , There is a punishment for every sin you have committed - and have not repented for, of course - but, your tongue won't be "pulled out/hammered with iron nails/cut off " for a lie for example , those who commit suicide won't repeat their moment of death in a loop .. yeah , the sinner will get punished but the punishments mentioned by the Qur’an or the Prophet Muhammad, and again , the repentant will not be tormented for his/her sin .

yeah , there are seven levels of hell, each level depends on how bad the sinner is, and the further you go down, the more severe the torment becomes.

but let me correct you for the last time and say , no ,the one who is being tortured in hell won't have someone who has his/ her face and tortures him / her.

And one last thing , on islam , allah (god) didn't "bid" the devil to torture sinners .. God punishes those who follow Satan and commit sins in this life, and God has promised Satan and those who follow him among humans a painful punishment in the afterlife.

Excuse me again for my boring talk, but I couldn't control myself when I saw the wrong information that others believe about Islam.

SweetChiel109 days ago(+1)

Thank you for the clarification, lady_owl! I also apologize if I said something wrong--I mostly heard them from my mother who has Muslim friends & Indonesian movies, so I guess they're not accurate ^^;

I mean no offense, I'm glad that we get to know more about your teachings/religion.

itch.io

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