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leogrl1946 days ago(+2)

Oh! This was interesting! Love the concept. You see a lot of post-apocalyptic premises, but this one seems especially dreary and I love, love, Love the idea of people being raised without words/not knowing or understanding their own emotions. The Chamber! Goodness! I romanced Ferret myself (we love a cold, strong woman who’s ready to throw Hands) - and I’m looking forward to how that turns out.

If I could give a bit of constructive feedback? And I mean this in the kindest, most respectful way possible as I really like your idea and want to see it shine. (I also realize it’s a WIP) The transition from barely knowing words/feelings, to learning/experiencing them felt too brief for me. I didn’t get the Fullness of that struggle and it seems like my MC is more emotionally mature than they should be? I would really love both Ferret and MC trying to figure that out when they’ve been wholly denied it, not even knowing the concept of love/intimacy beyond books. Being unable to put words to things is something I’d like to see more as well. Getting frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, etc. If there’s physical intimacy (esp with Ferret) there should be so much trauma there when they only know that Chamber.

On that note, I felt a lot of the MC’s growth was less my choices through actions, and more plot-driven. I don’t really feel I had a hand in how they turned out, thus far. Maybe this will be more fleshed out in time/ this is just a ‘prologue’ for the ‘main’ story - but thought it worth mentioning.

I do hope that was helpful and I wish you all the best with this awesome Project!

Fir & Fireweed46 days ago(+1)

Hello! Thank you for reading my story and for taking the time to give thoughtful feedback. I don’t mind, and I appreciate the tact and care you put into it! It’s difficult finding a good pace for the story—trying to give adequate time for growth yet also not belaboring the point.

Your MC is a bit more emotionally mature than other workers, due to the fact that you’re a healer. You’ve had more contact with others, both physical and spoken, than any other worker in any other job. Also, healers are the only workers who have mentors, so while the contact would have been the absolute minimum, it’s still more than most receive.

I don’t think that the chamber necessarily equates to heavy trauma, as that signifies some kind of emotional response. Certainly some would, as in Robin’s case, but most workers are simply numb—just as you don’t feel love, you also don’t feel the absence of it. But Ferret definitely has resentment over it. Her intimate scene is actually in the next chapter which drops this Thursday, so I’m curious what you’ll think.

And you’re correct, a lot of the choices are, by necessity, plot driven. In those instances I’ve tried to give a choice as to how you approach them—the action will have to occur either way, but your feelings going in make the difference. I can certainly try to add more choices like that.

Also, some of the scenes are a result of previous choices you’ve made. For example, whether or not you save the book from the fires, or how you respond to the idea of keeping away from the Circle for 2 weeks. Those and other scenes play out differently based on the persona you’ve cultivated.

But erm, this isn’t a prologue, lol, it is the main story. It’s actually close to conclusion. 😅

leogrl1945 days ago

Thank you for responding! I’m glad you found no offense in my feedback; I went to art school and had my soul pile driven into the Abyss with the harshness of criticism, so I do value constructive critiques. I know this your baby, but it truly is a compliment I said anything at all!

That makes sense re: MC’s emotional intelligence/maturity given their profession. I actually like that! Perhaps I was confused since I thought Builders, etc. worked in groups as well - only Burners being the most ‘solitary’ in their work. But they also don’t talk, right? So even then, the human interaction is very remedial in my understanding. Maybe there’s an idea of ‘care’ for not wanting patients to get hurt, but love as a concept, for example, would still be difficult (it’s difficult for us now and we have so much more freedom than them!). I more so just wanted to see more of a struggle to coming to terms with a new range of emotions when their default seems to be primarily numb, anger, fear; or having the choice for it to be a struggle for your MC. The yellow heart/red heart could maybe be expanded for that?

Fair enough for the chamber. I guess that’s just additional choice I’d like to have. My MC seems they can hardly talk about it/want to think of it (and they’re also a woman) so that equated trauma for me - heavy or otherwise is interpretation because what do we consider ‘traumatic’ — it’s different for all of us. Numb could be an option, but given MC is more emotionally mature, I’d think that incite something. Could we decide that?

Also - sorry, I more so didn’t want to assume: a lot of IF writers do a first draft and then further flesh out later. That’s great if you’re almost finished! Thank you for considering what I said! Looking forward to Ferret chapter!

Fir & Fireweed45 days ago(+1)

Hello, again! Yep, I remember my creative writing workshops from university, much of which I think I've repressed, lol.

Ahh, I see what you mean about the chamber and I can definitely try to expand on reactionary choices more. You weren't wrong when you thought a lot of this was plot-based. It's my first interactive fiction and it was based on a novella I wrote, so I often find myself drifting back into novel writing versus IF.

No worries on the first draft comment! I'm still new to the community and beginning to see a lot of WIPs and first drafts now, too. Especially since I created a Tumblr account. My interactive fiction world just opened up! 😳

Thank you again for explaining and for giving my story a try!

itch.io

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