itch.io

well not real but my mom does usually say stuff like

"You need to be more lady-like"

"Why are you drawing in your hands? What kind of woman does that?"

"Stop embarrassing us" (I never understand this one because every time she says it it's always when I've done something I didn't see as wrong but she shouts at me like I do it on purpose)

"You need to try harder stop being lazy" (I'm literally doing my best)

"You know I'm tough on you because I love you/I know you can do better"

"You're so smart, you just need to apply yourself" (wow thanks for the help mom you've cured executive dysfunction!)

"You hate me don't you?" (Funnily enough, despite it all, I don't. She uses this line to guilt trip me.)

"I feel like I'm doing everything wrong..." (said in my vicinity to bait me into comforting her and feeling bad yet when I try to open up to her it's always "others have it worse" or whatever else about God always being there for you because I'm not allowed to express my emotions but she is)

She also tells the entire universe every time I mess up, she might as well shout it from the rooftops because every single conversation that brings me up is always "you know she almost failed her exam and I had to make a call to the school asking them to raise her grade a bit?" Instead of "she got first place in the science fair!" You know the normal way to talk about your children whom you are supposedly proud of.

Every time I make her upset she gives me the silent treatment until I apologize. Like actually. The silent treatment. Straight up ignoring me.

She always does and says hurtful things and spins it as just her caring for me.

I once practically begged to see a therapist but when I wouldn't answer on why (I didn't wanna talk about it because in this household we don't express our emotions in a healthy way) she decided that I didn't need one and called it a day.

It wasn't until my dad literally saw me BAWLING in the middle of the night because my mom was 5 seconds late and I had somehow convinced myself she was dead that they finally decided to let me see a therapist. The worst part is I am sure if it was my mom who saw me instead she probably would've brushed it off.

Then any time me or my sisters get diagnosed with anything ever, suddenly she has it too. My sister got diagnosed with ADHD, according to her it is now "our" ADHD. I got diagnosed with anxiety. No, no, "we" got diagnosed with anxiety. I'm not against thinking you have a disorder, but she's literally just taking whatever we get diagnosed with and applying it to herself then talking as if it's proven fact that she has whatever we have. 

It's like playing spin the wheel every time I try to talk to her.

Will I get a lecture? Will she invalidate my feelings? Will she say something good? Will she say something hurtful? Will she guilt trip me? Will she act all buddy buddy and like we're besties? I genuinely never know, like every interaction with her scares me, it's like walking on eggshells.

To our respective shitty mothers ig