It works for a grand total of about 7-8 seconds since game start before hard-crashing with no notice or anything.
The game was extracted from the archive and is running on the appropriate bit version. I tried doing the opposite of each, which of course didn't solve it.
My system:

OS Name    Microsoft Windows 11 Home

System Type    x64-based PC

Processor    12th Gen Intel(R) Core(TM) i5-12450H, 2000 Mhz, 8 Core(s), 12 Logical Processor(s)

Available Physical Memory    6.29 GB

Available Virtual Memory    4.98 GB

GPU    NVIDIA GeForce RTX 4050 Laptop GPU