itch.io

[Spoilers Ahead]

Wow. Wow. Wow.

That was an incredible journey, but not just for Zack and Braden. It's crystal clear that you have evolved immensely as a creator, writer and artist during this project too.

The quality of the finale showcases just how much effort and thought you put into the final product. It's leaps and bounds ahead of the previous chapters, and certain moments were positively cinematic (train station lights out scene, especially with the stunning fade-in of past-Braden into present-Braden).

Since you're going to go back and remaster the earlier chapters, I can only applaud you in your efforts. I know many people would move on to another project, but your desire to bring this project that bit closer to perfection is what will most certainly set you apart and above as an artist. 

From the get-go, when you said in your introduction that this would be a slow burn, I had the feeling that this project would be a labor of love, not your run of the mill VN on itch.io. Now that the story has concluded for now, I think it's fair to say that this was certainly no common VN. It was special. It was unforgettable. The story you have written and the characters you have brought to life will live in my mind alongside some of my favorite stories and characters.

Thank you.

This is a more than well-deserved 5 stars.

Oh, when I saw you mention 1:1 in the other thread, I assumed that there would be a solo scene with Ron. Thanks for clearing that up

[Spoilers]

Excellent update! This game deserves more exposure!

My only feedback is to review the branching pathways. For instance, if you tell Ned that you are not a couple after doing enough activities with him but not kissing him, he will still say that you kissed when confronting Vincent. I noticed several instances where the dialogue directly contradicts your plot choices...which leads me to my next point...

The reason why I explored these weird pathways is because the 1 on 1 with Ron is too hard to get. I think I have tried all the most logical routes and failed to get anything more than hugging in bed. I even got Ron's relationship score all the way to over 15.

I think anyone who writes fiction bases characters on parts of themselves. At least at first. Eventually, the more you get to "know" your characters, the less they are a part of you, and the more it seems as if they're a really close friend that you know. A handy thought-experiment is to consider the character's background and past experiences and how those shape the way they think. For instance, Braden is clearly from a well-to-do family but doesn't want friends who befriend him for his money. This simple attribute opens up many questions which can help define Braden's individuality in addition to serving as plot hooks later on. For example:

• What happened in Braden's childhood to cause him to think this way? Is he still affected by it?
• Why is he open with Zack about this? Does part of him still wonder if Zack cares about his wealth, especially once he finds out Zack's economic circumstances?
• Is this an insecurity? If so, how is he coping with it, or how did he move past it?
• How severely does this impact Braden's decision-making? His willingness to trust others? His social mindset?

You did an excellent job with Max, by the way. His character feels the most authentic, because the way he behaves is fully explained by his backstory. There is a harmony between his personality, his motivations and his psyche. Despite being a secondary character, I think many people would agree that after the chapter "Ash", he feels the most life-like of all your characters so far. (This is not a negative thing, since it just means that the other guys haven't had their backgrounds and personalities explored fully yet. Lots of potential here.)

Regarding conflict, I don't think there will ever be a "right answer". As an artist, you must have the conviction to follow your instincts and your vision for what you want out of the final product. Taking community feedback is good, because there are always facets of every work that can objectively be better, but with all creative works, it will be impossible to try to please everybody. In fact, trying to do so is one surefire way to guarantee the final product will be average with no vision. 

(If you've ever wondered why so many AAA games feel soulless, it's because they've lost sight of this basic principle. The great games of the past did not need a focus group to tell them which audiences to please or which hot-topic themes to cover. The creators simply made what was best for their vision of the game.)

I hinted at it in my first comment, but I truly think you will have to make a decision at some point how committed you are to the slow-burn nature of your story. If you do commit, you will likely turn away a certain type of audience, but potentially attract a different one. As with all creative projects, it's truly very difficult to gauge audience reception, but if the success of "Our Life: Beginnings & Always" is any indication, there seems to be a certain demand for slow-burn, well-crafted character stories.

Conversely, if you're going after the faster pace nature of most Adult VNs, there's certainly an audience for that as well. I'm sure you've seen the many examples of well-executed ones in this genre.

My opinion is one of many, but I sincerely hope you will carry this project where your vision leads you. Even with the (little) experience you have, you're already creating something that stands out. So it makes sense to trust your instincts as an artist.

Keep up the good work!

This VN has the potential to become something extraordinary. The effort and care put into this work is plain to see!

Aaryn, you mentioned in some of the comments below that you still consider yourself amateur. If that is the case, then this story is evidence of your rapid evolution as an author. It's getting better and better.

I hope once you reach the end, you will take the time to go back and polish the story - it deserves the TLC.

Here's some observations I had while enjoying the story. I think they are areas which can be improved in order to bring this story to the next level.

- The "voices" of Zack, Braden and Mikhail often blur together, especially during longer expositions. In contrast, Max's voice is very unique, likely because of his personality, but his talking style jumps off the page. You could remove his name from the dialogue, and you would know it was him. It may be worthwhile to add certain quirks and distinguishing styles to the speech patterns of the main characters.

- During exposition of certain more complex thoughts and ideas, the dialogue no longer reads like something a real person would say. It's fine for internal thoughts, but it's weird during conversation. This leads to an awkward contrast between casual social interactions and discussion of serious topics, where the characters, especially Zack and Mikhail, suddenly start sounding like professors giving a speech.

- Perhaps you are "too kind" to your readers. I love that you described this story as a "slow burn". It is perfect for the type of story you are trying to tell. However, conflict in the storyline is too neatly resolved for a true "slow burn". Almost as if you are trying to make each episode's conflicts self-contained.

Be more cruel to your audience. Drag out conflicts, make them far messier as plotlines merge and intermingle. A good example would be the incident involving Zack, Braden and Cody. There was so much opportunity in that situation to explore the different angles of that misunderstanding, especially if it had been allowed to fester. Every author loves their characters, but excellent fiction happens when you don't shelter them under a protective umbrella. Let them get hurt and suffer from the mistakes they make. Your readers will hurt and suffer along with them, but that will make the resolution all the more memorable.

- The timeline for forming of deep soulmate level relationships is accelerated to the point of being unrealistic (as a reader, I can suspend disbelief, but it's better not to rely on this too frequently). Time has to be allowed to pass for this to feel authentic. The good thing about the format of a VN is that it's rather easy to impart the feeling of passing of time.

I think this story shows that you have a spark of something special. I sincerely hope you will find some value in my observations. It is meant as feedback and not criticism - the story is very good, and on the cusp of being great.