wow... i started reading this with no foresight because i thought the title sounded cool, and was very surprised to see many of my own experiences reflected back at me :')
i think being weird has its ups and downs. the moments when you're hit with the pained realization that you're out of the circle, you're doing things the *wrong* way again—that is a chilling feeling that also takes me back to times long past, makes me curl up into myself, relive the panic of being the kid who said a dumb thing at reccess. kids aren't good at processing their emotions, so it feels like every slight becomes this minefield you'll keep stumbling on your whole life. it's a terrible weight to carry.
but i don't know who i'd be if i had had nothing to escape from. this feeling of otherness forged me into someone who tries to find their own personal kind of fulfillment. and i am filled with all this excitement, all this passion for art and games and books and all my special interests and all my weird friends and the weird fun we have together!!! i have lived deep inside my mind and my computer my whole life, but that also means home can be anywhere—i can always carry it within me. even with all my struggles accepting who i am in relation to the world, i couldn't stand to be anyone else, because i love the things i love too much to ever trade them for anything, even 'normalcy'. and thankfully, the world is full of other weirdos who love the same things as us, just as intensely.
in the real world, i feel like i am constantly failing at things that i, deep down, do not care about. like there are the things i'm *supposed to do*, and inside my brain there's an arbiter with absolute power, and his voice is the voice of everyone who has ever chastised or mocked me. i have met many neurotypical people to whom the world has also been unkind to, but i feel like our way of taking things literally makes us place too much weight on what we hear about ourselves, be too dragged down by the opinions of others. there really is no judge (there shouldn't be, at least), and the right people will like us for the right reasons, not because we are fantastic actors.
these days, no one bats an eye at my weirdness anymore—i am a "sociable, polite, charming, pretty" person, all the skills i failed at as a child and teen. but it's such a hollow façade to maintain for long, and also a very forgettable one. those people i've been a polite ghost to don't remember who the hell i am, but almost every acquaintance i've dropped my guard around remembers someone who's genuine and has real fun, even if they're a bit kooky. i really relate to having to slowly try to adapt yourself to this new reality where you don't have to keep your true self on a tight leash.
i talk too much hehe. (btw, i, too, had fallen down the emily brontë's autism rabbit hole some time ago. i'll check out the movie! i loved learning about the little world and language she created with her sisters.)
thank you for sharing your manifesto!!! it really connected with me :)
