I need to admit I was a bit confused at some points, but other than that I liked the jab at society regarding the matter of traditions. Having a resolution as you wrote it is also an interesting choice!
I agree with the other comment, that the writing style and how it was portrayed felt a bit impersonal and didn't get me invested enough to question what actually happened to Gavin's and think more about it. However, the way it was written and the topics you grace make it seem more like a jab at society, which makes it not a bad thing. Overall, it was a nice read :D
Personally I felt a bit disconnected from the character. There was a lot of rough struggling without going very deeply into the whys of it - the small dialogue bits that intercepted the action felt like they were added to give context to the character's suffering, which however also didn't go too much into detail and didn't explain it a lot. Because of that, the resolve also didn't fully feel relieving for me.
However, you really captured the desperate atmosphere and feelings of the character well with your writing style! :D
This was really well written! It felt so polished - you're really good at world building, story pacing and character building and relationships, and the morale behind it rounded it off very well :D
I really enjoyed reading this! It was an interesting world building - you're very good at character building and going through with their characterizations (“You are a slave to the minutes...” versus "We could have died earlier, and we could die at any moment.", which I really loved, because it mirrors the characters' beliefs really well).
I need to admit I was a bit confused in the beginning (~ the first page), which didn't seem very coherent throughout the sentences and dialogue. I really liked the pov of the crow, though! I was a bit disappointed to get to know that not the whole story was written through the crow's pov and that the crow seemingly got forgotten after it changed to the old man's pov, though I understand why you might have decided to do so, and that the crow is a metaphor for the old man's feelings.
The conversation was maybe a bit too dialogue heavy for my own personal preference, which leads to me not feeling too much like I am actually in the story/moment. But that's a personal preference, and I think the said dialogue was definitely worth it :D
This was a very nice read! It reminds a lot of a poem, though I really liked the fact that you did not rhyme everything but let the melody of the words and sentences dictate the rhythm of the text. It felt very fluent and coherent, also in combination with the topic :D
Hey! I really enjoyed your story. It brings up a very interesting thought experiment around a phrase I haven't really pondered about before. I really liked your world building - the great pine trees and the appearance of the sorcerer really intrigued me!
However, I need to agree with the other comment, that your order of introducing and talking about certain aspect could be improved. Additionally to what was already mentioned, I believe it's the same thing for your first paragraph. I really liked this one! But I only understood its purpose as an introduction to the sorcerer after finishing the story and coming back to think about it more. Perhaps that was your intention (make the readers wonder to make them keep thinking of your story), though I believe you could enhance this even more by connecting the end of your story to your first paragraph (repeating it, repeating parts of it, writing one single sentence that connects well and makes the story go 'round, ...) or making the transition between your first and second paragraph less stark.
Hi! Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts 💚
Generally, while writing, I was thinking of a writer/artist thinking about their OC they created. When creating OCs, I believe we tend to always put a little part of ourselves into them - this can be by giving them personality traits which resemble some of our own, or personality traits we wish we had. In the case of the writer in my story, they created an OC which had traits they wish they had.
Often we think about things we did, situations in which we reacted a certain way or didn't react a certain way, and start overthinking: "That was not how I should have handled this. I wish I had done it differently." Often we learn from these situations and remember them for the next time, but often it's also very hard, because we're so so afraid of what could happen.
My writer dealt with this by creating an OC that did everything they wish they had done. It can be difficult to look at a person that reminds you of everything you don't like about yourself.
I believe poetry is written to evoke emotions and can be interpreted in many different ways, because every person had different experiences in their life, so they interpret it one way or another. However, I do see why it could be confusing. I'll work on making my intentions a bit clearer for future stories! Thank you!
