itch.io

Pretty sure thats the link to my 2 hour break-down video where I evaporate on-camera while trying to describe the perfect pixel-dimensions of the deer avatar from HIT game: Animal Guide

What a beautiful game! Never before have I felt so at peace watching a 4 legged forest dog evade getting shot by people. The simple WASD controls and the fact that the player must THINK to evade these crazed murderers allows for some pretty exciting gameplay moments. I myself had a few dozen seizures when I first got shot by that wacky hunter.

The graphics, holy crap i've never seen such internal-organ-evaporating graphics before! Forget CyberSTUPID 2077 when you have Animal Guide! Every time I see one of those trees I literally spontaneously combust because the human body isn't capable of withstanding such perfection. The walking animation is incredible, I spent a full 2 hours walking back and forth until every time I blinked I saw him. I saw the deer guys i saw the deer

And let me just talk about that AI. The way the hunters predict my movements and get ever closer to shooting a thumb-sized piece of lead into my body, literally exploding my internal organs out the other side, causing the deer to instantly collapse and do cartwheels, its antlers catching on a rock and literally disintegrating 20 segments of its spine and then slamming its half-dead husk against a tree, all 4 of its limbs snapping off in unison. :coolgamerthumbsupemoji: Move over Minecraft, move over Rocket League, move over Star Wars Battlefront, there's a new AI king in town and its ANIMAL GUIDE!

The UI ('User Interface', for all you console gamers out there) is incredible, I myself enjoyed sliding the music bar over back and forth and then enjoyed setting it one millimeter closer to 0 and listening to the full music track on each -0.1 decibel version of the song. Incredible soundtrack by Hans Zimmer, the 64 tracks used in the game make me feel like im watching a Zack Snyder film featuring a funny blue flying man. The fact that the menu text is incorporated into nature, such as the words being formed out of sticks, or, cosmic stars (...?) is truly astounding.

WHOEVER MADE THE UI, GIVE THAT MAN A RAISE, ESPECIALLY IF HE HAS A PROFILE PICTURE CONTAINING AN ANIMATED OLD MAN IGNORING ROAD SAFETY LAWS

This game is just so...tranquil. Watching that deer sleep on that rock almost doesn't make me want to kill him and make venison burgers. The boss fight could use a little work though, while it was perfect in every way, I want to fight him again and again. Deerus Maximus Entity-32 isnt gonna kill himself over and over.

Also props to whoever got permission from Nicolas Cage himself to use his likeness for the hunters! The way they move and lay prone waiting to kill me like how the Navy SEALS killed Osama Bin Laden invokes actual fear into me and I now have a paranoia of grass and anything that has the ability to speak words. 

Alright, lets address the DEER in the room (get it guys deer because deer game and not elephant because deer>elephants), lets talk about that IDLE ANIMATION. HOLY FREAKING SHREK FLAGNARD IVE NEVER BEEN SO VISIBLY BLOWN AWAY BY ANY IDLE ANIMATION EVER. THE WAY HE MOVES HIS EARS ONCE IN A WHILE IS JUST FULL OF THE EXAGGERATED SWAGGER OF A BLACKTAIL DEER. Absolutely astounding. Incredible. I'd like a spinoff game featuring only the idle animation, i'm willing to pay $60, plus its four $15 DLC's. Hit me up if you're interested.

I really like that "AHS" logo in the credits. I didn't know you guys supported "AR-15's Have Silencers (sometimes)"! The fact that im playing a game that supports that WOKE group. When I saw that I was like "Whoa, POG! That's a GAMER 100 MOMENT! Keanu Reeves approves!"

My only complaint is that I wish there was more levels. I want to play this until I die and then pass it onto my children who will continue from where I left off and then also die for infinite. 

Overall Ratings on Aspects of this game:

Graphics: 99999/10 

Story: (π * 10^2)/10 

SFX: 42/10 

Music: Rango (2011)/10 (Hans Zimmer is a very talented artist) 

Gameplay: 10/10 

Multiplayer: 11/10 

Community: 6/10 (A little better than expected, but all these "why cant i play as the hunter" dinguses have GOT to go. What do you think this is? TheHunter: Call of the Wild? Those shrekking morons...) 

Violence: 420,690/10 (Blood SFX and deer scream.mp3 makes this game a SURE win) 

Guns: 1,000,001/10 (The vast amount of firearms in this game, each with FULL customization and cosmetics makes me feel like a REAL American when I play this) 

Drugs: 8/10 (No Ketamine at all, but plenty of Aspirin.)

I've ascended 42 dimensions, travelled to well over a million planes of existence and I'm pretty sure I re-wrote the human genome after playing this game. This game, which is called ANIMAL GUIDE in case you forgot at this point, has forced me to realize one true fact: Animal Guide is gaemer.

I've created a video critiquing this game, where I break it down even further and expose some of its perfection more clearly. It can be found here.

What a well-rounded game! Its not too difficult with the simple controls, and rather straightforward storyline, but these mind-blowing graphics that will have you wondering why Battlefield 1 looked like a crapstorm. This game also has above-average writing with an eerie backstory, and let me just say the astounding narrator for this game gave such a grand performance I was sure it was Morgan Freeman, but the credits proved me wrong. 

The particle effects for this game are jaw-dropping, to say the least. The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device cameo along with other references make this game seem well-informed with society rather then being this black hole that sort of sucks the joy and nostalgia out of every person who was willing to spend 60 dollars on your game, you know? Like when you hype up your customers expectations with a sequel but it just ends up being this dumpster fire that is comparable to Atari's E.T.? Its so good to see a game that avoids these hurdles.

I'm hoping this game gets some good DLC, I'm willing to drop $30.00 for a different color robot. Also, who knows, maybe a few sequels? Prequels? 6 feature films? A cashgrab TV show run by Apple TV that instead of focusing on the story and characters just ends up being a 8-hour political advertisement for Mexican drug trafficking and women's rights?

Another thing that really blew me away with this game has got to be that flawless walking animation for the main character. I have personally spent 69 minutes walking back and forth and I've come to the conclusion that it is mentally impossible to even imagine a more perfect walking animation. Give the man who designed this animation a raise!

An aspect I found familiar but still original is where you proceed from chamber to chamber gradually increasing in difficulty. You guys should lower the difficulty on the GLaDos boss fight though, I must have spent 420 minutes trying to get Wheatley into the Aperture Science Core Transfer Hatch for the Aperture Science Core Transfer and then initiate Stalemate Resolution Annex. A very impressive boss fight with amazing VFX and SFX but otherwise it could be a little easier for the less experienced players, if you get my drift.
As for the characters, man, I've never seen such amazing performances! Danny Devito as himself did an astounding job (as always), and Clancy Brown's performance also really stood out to me. 

Overall Ratings on Aspects of this game:

Graphics: 10/10
Story: 10/10
SFX: 11/10
Music: 42069/10 (How did you guys get Mike Morasky for this)
Gameplay: 10/10
Multiplayer: 10/10
Community: 5/10 (this needs some work, I'm tired of all these tryhards who think they can just get into the elevator before I can)
Violence: 46,853/10 (This will 100% turn all kids who play it into serial killers)
Guns: 10/10 (Very wide choice of firearms in this game)
Drugs: 9/10 (Not enough Ketamine or Aspirin)

After having 12 mental breakdowns, 7 strokes, an undetermined amount of heart attacks, molecular rearrangements and other mental disabilities I have come to the conclusion that this game is the product of the collective greatest minds of a generation, who put together the best fricking game of the year, no, of all time. 

Shrek Approved!

I have compiled a video that details my full critique of this outstanding game, which you can view here.

What a well-rounded game! Its not too difficult with the simple controls, and rather straightforward storyline, but these mind-blowing graphics that will have you wondering why Battlefield 1 looked like a crapstorm. This game also has above-average writing with an eerie backstory, and let me just say the astounding narrator for this game gave such a grand performance I was sure it was Morgan Freeman, but the credits proved me wrong. 

The particle effects for this game are jaw-dropping, to say the least. The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device cameo along with other references make this game seem well-informed with society rather then being this black hole that sort of sucks the joy and nostalgia out of every person who was willing to spend 60 dollars on your game, you know? Like when you hype up your customers expectations with a sequel but it just ends up being this dumpster fire that is comparable to Atari's E.T.? Its so good to see a game that avoids these hurdles.

I'm hoping this game gets some good DLC, I'm willing to drop $30.00 for a different color robot. Also, who knows, maybe a few sequels? Prequels? 6 feature films? A cashgrab TV show run by Apple TV that instead of focusing on the story and characters just ends up being a 8-hour political advertisement for Mexican drug trafficking and women's rights?

Another thing that really blew me away with this game has got to be that flawless walking animation for the main character. I have personally spent 69 minutes walking back and forth and I've come to the conclusion that it is mentally impossible to even imagine a more perfect walking animation. Give the man who designed this animation a raise!

An aspect I found familiar but still original is where you proceed from chamber to chamber gradually increasing in difficulty. You guys should lower the difficulty on the GLaDos boss fight though, I must have spent 420 minutes trying to get Wheatley into the Aperture Science Core Transfer Hatch for the Aperture Science Core Transfer and then initiate Stalemate Resolution Annex. A very impressive boss fight with amazing VFX and SFX but otherwise it could be a little easier for the less experienced players, if you get my drift.

As for the characters, man, I've never seen such amazing performances! Danny Devito as himself did an astounding job (as always), and Clancy Brown's performance also really stood out to me. 

Overall Ratings on Aspects of this game:

• Graphics: 10/10
• Story: 10/10
• SFX: 11/10
• Music: 42069/10 (How did you guys get Mike Morasky for this)
• Gameplay: 10/10
• Multiplayer: 10/10
• Community: 5/10 (this needs some work, I'm tired of all these tryhards who think they can just get into the elevator before I can)
• Violence: 46,853/10 (This will 100% turn all kids who play it into serial killers)
• Guns: 10/10 (Very wide choice of firearms in this game)
• Drugs: 9/10 (Not enough Ketamine or Aspirin)

After having 12 mental breakdowns, 7 strokes, an undetermined amount of heart attacks, molecular rearrangements and other mental disabilities I have come to the conclusion that this game is the product of the collective greatest minds of a generation, who put together the best fricking game of the year, no, of all time. 

Shrek Approved!

I have compiled a video that details my full critique of this outstanding game, which you can view here.