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BlitzSpritz

2
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A member registered Jul 29, 2020

Recent community posts

Yeah, I'm happy to concede my point about the monologue thing. It honestly is subjective, and I can see it being completely fine for other people. It wouldn't really bother me either way if there's a change there or not. I still do think it's a bit of a slog to read though, but again, it's not ruining anything for me.

As for the Alen thing, I was mostly going off of what we already know of Alen. Yeah, he may have had a bad experience with teaching magic before, but we don't have anything about that. At least, not yet? I don't know if we'll get anything like that in the future. If we do, then all is mostly fine. But for now, we've known Alen to have a lot of patience and care with Reamus. Teaching Reamus magic is something he's taking very seriously because Reamus' (and Jymsar's) life could depend on it. I completely agree Alen was justified in raising his voice at Reamus. My issue was that it felt too sudden, and it just came across as a little jarring.

Besides, even if this was a bit of foreshadowing at Alen's past, I'd have to say it's done poorly. All we get is Alen suddenly raising his voice, and then pleading for Reamus to take learning magic seriously. He said himself he needs Reamus to learn magic so he might be able to understand the curse better. The focus is more on "You need to learn magic so I might be able to save you," not "You need to learn magic this way or X could happen." You know, if that's what that scene was going for.

Hi there! I really like your work so far, and I'll be looking forward to future updates! Since you asked for feedback on this new update, I have some comments I want to share. I hope you find them helpful!

  • Reamus' inner dialogue while he was trying to focus felt too abstract, especially during the second time when Alen and Jymsar left him alone.  It was like... there were words that I was reading, but I couldn't find any concrete ideas to latch on. I didn't really know what Reamus was trying to describe most of the time.  Unless that was the point? It was still kind of a slog to read through though. You did say that you plan to include more illustrations for this chapter. I'm not sure if that includes this specific part, but I think even a few black-and-white imagery or something would help flesh out Reamus' thoughts.  If I could make a suggestion, maybe you could write his monologue to be a bit more poetic? Not in the sense that it's filled with rhymes and metaphors and all that, but more of that the words have a certain subtle rhythm to them. It'd fit the whole fluid, esoteric-y tone of the whole thing at least, and I think it'd be a fun read. It would be better than Reamus just... saying things.
  • I felt that Alen was a bit too quick to raise his voice at Reamus there. It's not that it goes against his character or anything, but it did feel like it suddenly came out of nowhere. The back-and-forth between the two could be a bit longer. I want to see Alen become more and more stern because Reamus keeps on being impatient and difficult.
  • The new sprites are great, but the ones for Alen feel a bit off. I think it's because of his neutral sprite/s. The shading on them is less pronounced than the others. The difference is juuuust enough to be distracting when they appear right after one another.