Dear Mr. & Mrs. Zaod Mrs. & Mrs. Za Mx. & Mx. Parents of Vaalkad Zaodrr'zherh
Your daughter has been making a mess of the school. Our janitorial staff have to put up with sweet cream in the lockers, gym equipment, toilets, and even dripping from the other seniors after what we suspect is some form of intercourse for your kind.
However, despite the seemingly random "pickup times" and wide partner variety, all interviewed parties have stated their consent towards her. We're still investigating for signs of extortion, but for now, we will only leave you with a stern warning to pass along to her.
P.S. Last weekend, when Vaalkad "crummed", as she insists we call it, in a locker past closing time, an existing ant infestation found its way to the cream and mutated into something terrible. We humbly request you respond with information on how to exterminate insects in non-Euclidean formations.
Sincerely,
Principal B. Rhodes