yeah, so apparently when i looked at your original post after you edited it, something borked on my end and it only loaded half the post so i thought you cleared all the personal stuff out. it's all there again now so that was something jacked up on my end. sorry about the confusion.
You definitely sound like you have a lot of feelings and things to unpack here-- a lot more than what a comment sections is really going to be helpful for. life is detailed and when you're talking about things like this, those details really matter to you and the people it can impact. While i have a background and license in therapy, there's a ton of ethical stuff that comes into play here and there's a litany of limitations with chatting about these things on the internet. since itchio doesn't have a private message system i'll point you in a couple other directions. 1) Our Discord has an option to DM if you happen to already have discord. Another option is using the DMs on patreon since you mentioned you had joined up over there ( you should also be able to DM on patreon even without a subscription). if you want to reach out, i may be able to help connect you with some resources and stuff. imo, really finding a professional that you spend some time with, learns who you are, your situation, and all the complexities that come with your unique situation is going to be the best way to unpack stuff, work through it, make decisions, etc. just getting random "advice" can be a really oversimplified way of looking at a really complex situation.