The writing and wit is so well done. I particularly liked "the other kids have started a rumor you don't know to ride a bike." (and its numerous iterations.)
As someone who has written a fair share of text interaction games for multiple choices, the complexity and personality you were able to achieve in this time constraint is impressive - even regardless of any constraint. Finding that balance between being scripted and not feeling scripted is delicate.
Anyway, I went for the most neutral John build I could and got John Wayne. Nice. I love this (but the original title "The John Assement" will always have a special place in my heart *wink*)