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How do I play any games on this?!

This game is only for Windows-based PCs, and even then we can only confirm that it works on Windows 7, 8/8.1, and 10.

To download the game for free, click "Download Now" and then the page will ask if you would like to pay for the game - simply click "No thanks, just take me to the downloads" and you can download it from there.