i'm honestly very excited how this will go especially with how our mc's choices impact the plot, I like how this is written but i think the conversation between the characters are going too steadfast and feels awkward? either way, it's still a pleasure to read and i can't wait for more <33
Viewing post in Obey Me: A New Beginning comments
When I read the dialogue, the tone of Diavolo and Lucifer feels bland when I imagine their voices— This is how I personally read it, others might disagree on it though. I can’t really feel Diavolo’s enthusiasm or Lucifer’s famous “MAMMOOOON” phrase. So it didn’t feel very impactful.
But the others’ tone and dialogue are good! I can still see how whiny Asmodeus is, how snarky Satan is, and especially Mammon’s beloved attitude <3. Of course, Beel’s abrupt interruptions are as funny as always.
The pace of the story also feels very fast so when I read throughout it doesn’t feel that impactful. I think it’s because when the MC was first dropped in Devildom, it’s too brief and I suggest a variety of reaction towards this scene would feel organic in a way as different people would express either shock or fear— The MC feels too calm and lenient that it feels sort of odd. Especially how any memories regarding MC is erased in the human world, that’d be a good opportunity for the MC to express anger or confusion towards the situation.
I can see why this wasn’t put because of how hard coding is (From first-hand experience, it gave me a headache twice LOL) and I’d understand if you don’t wanna put too many choices in!
Ironically Diavolo and Lucifer are the two whose dialogue I took straight from the game instead of changing it, haha. As for the MC being calm, I imagined it to be like at first you just kinda think you're dreaming/are in denial, if that makes sense? Once Levi tries to kill you, though, that's when the shock and realization truly hits. In all honesty it is pretty difficult to have proper reactions in the very beginning when the player's personality isn't put in, so I apologize.
Still, I appreciate your feedback a lot! The Lucifer/Diavolo and memories situation are both valid points and I'll do my best to fix it in Version 1.0 to have it seem a little more organic :)