I could personally relate to a lot of those thoughts and feelings. The conflict of what you produce defining you or anything external establishing your worth is a difficult reality. I totally relate to the feelings of wanting to just not exist or to end it. The parts about worrying over feeling bad for maybe not actually wanting to die made me smile a little because I think that is just such a niche thing that people will get if they've been through it. I feel like your really evoked those feelings in your story telling. It came across as real and I think accomplished what you were trying to say. Well done. For what its worth, and for anyone who might see this, you don't have to justify you, what you feel is valid because you feel it. Period. Your value is not definable or quantifiable. I hope you find that you matter in a way that works and makes sense for you.