I know it's not good for me.
If I go to sleep it's like... tmrw I won't be able to have free time like this to do what I'm doing. I'll have school and my friends will want to sit with me. I can't have time to myself. I need to study as well cause I failed my exam and if I don't pass this one I'm not just toast I'm burnt toast, I'll have to repeat the year, I'm sad that everyone is away from me, my dad and my cat, both my sisters (one is going to Korea and one to college) and idk what to do, I keep blaming myself for things I had nothing to do with, beating myself up for mistakes that were only human and idk how to stop it cause it keeps coming back every time I think I'm getting better and think maybe I'm not feeling so bad anymore it just comes back and gets worse and worse, I feel like a failure, it's like something is pressing down on my chest and I've got a lump in my throat cause I was to burst out in tears but tears are a thing of the past now all I am is just empty, waking up alone is hard, getting up, even harder, I can't even do the simplest things anymore, brushing my teeth feels like a chore I haven't showered in ages and idk how everyone else can keep it together and not start screaming and breaking everything when similar stuff happens to them, I'm trying my best but it feels like everything is against me and I just want to rip my face off and tear out my hair, I'm so scared of goddamn everything, I could walk on stairs, a simple task, no one worries about, but I do, I constantly fear a fall, the ceiling coukd crash at any moment anything could happen any second, if they take too long to reply they're DEAD, I've got headaches and headaches and I feel so sick and tired of it all and I just want to be able to live for once in my life just live without worrying about everything, without feeling like nothing matters, without feeling like I'll never be happy again, I want to tell people but they've got their own problems they don't need mine too.