I created this account because I wanted to at least give you a message. It's from a stranger and it's not really much, but I want you to at least see it.
1. Thank you. Thank you for speaking out into what I'm certain was an intense and daunting void. Because that void has heard you. It means something, no matter how little it may feel. You've spoken and have been heard. That's one of the biggest steps it takes to heal. I know from experience what it takes to deal with trauma-for me most recently, trauma about coming out and being able to accept what that actually means, being willing to actually step out and get it away with.
Guilt really defines the struggles I currently have. It's probably related in some way to the trauma I have. It's not the same trauma, but it's similar enough to actually empathize. I know that fear of abandonment, of guilt over acts out of my control or of miniature wrongs or of any litany of absurd things to be guilty, and I know that view of human connection becoming a transaction. I wish you didn't. I wish no one did.
That wish only sometimes includes me, and that's the problem. I suspect you know what that feels like as well. You shouldn't, and neither should I. That wish, whether or not I like it at any given time, is for people, and broken people are still people.
I've only recently begun my process of deconstruction, of trying to face those fragments. We're close to the same point of unpacking years upon years of trauma. I know that pain, I hear it and I know it. Every moment is a battle to face. Because anonymity is liberating, I can say personally that it is hell to try and relive, unpack, understand, process, and heal from being nearly knocked out in a pool of water by a stone to the head and to even be able to piece together what actually happened.
I'm not going to make this a personal vent, however. I just know what it feels like to go through this, to speak the pain, to heal, and especially to get help. It doesn't take illegality to keep me silent, I'm lucky to live when I do: I'm not illegal. But illegality is only part of a repressive, bigoted society. And it's the latter that silences, the law is just a violent enforcement of it.
Silence being broken is the way we get past it and heal from that repression. We've both broken it. And I can tell from everyone before me that you will have the community that actually knows you that will support you. If strangers hear and give back their care, you'll be in good hands with the people you know.
It's hard to rekindle "normal" connection. But you deserve it, you can do it, you will get it back.
You'll be okay.
2. I'm sorry. I can't have done anything, but I am so, so very sorry. I'm sorry but sorry doesn't cut it. I'm sorry maybe because I wish someone heard when I needed it and I wish someone had stepped in. I'm sorry because we live in a world where this is "normal." I'm sorry I'm one person too late to change things for you.
I'm sorry.
Maybe I'll come back and have more to say.