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That was actually really good. I especially appreciated how this story functions just fine as an introductory adventure for the unfamiliar readers that escalates while still immersing you into WoD. Bringing up songs characters themselves hear in particular scenes really sells them.

What I had problems with? Ironically, type of escalation itself when it goes from almost this nomad side-story to an epic siege scenario. Overreliance on "three not-really options with what to do before you can continue the story" also bears mentioning. I felt it slowed down the pacing past mid-point after most of the establishing is done.

Also, misspelling Epilogue cracked me up.

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Wow, thanks for taking the time to read and compose such a thoughtful response. This is helpful, especially where you describe the problems you had. I admit that around mid-point, where you mentioned, I really started to feel the time restrictions set by the contest sponsors. I'd originally only planned a 60k story, but got ambitious once I started going. Feeling my way through, there was this direction I wanted to go, and I ended up with 1.5x my intended scope. I think it might have been more solid but less spansive at my original target. 

The problem with fake choice is real. It becomes super difficult in IF to give customizable paths while keeping the project manageable. My average playthrough length of 55k against the game's 90k words is far from CoG's "optimal" ratio of 75%(?). Mine at >50%, shows shorter playthrough length, higher customization--I was banking on people wanting to play multiple endings. Using what's called "delayed branching," much of the story remains the same until Chapter 5, where every sect has a different ending. Think of it like a wrist that follows one line, then opens into a hand with many fingers. If you open too early, you almost can't complete. So, for the wrist part, I was hoping I could lean "unique playthrough" on player build: Discipline (Animalism, Fortitude, Protean), Skillset (Physical, Mental, Social), and Weapon (Firearm, Melee, Brawl). Even though the results are similar, the way differs so that the player can express themselves. I'll have to wait a while before I read it with clear eyes to see whether I agree with you about how it lands. I'd definitely do a better job now, having learned what I did doing this, but that's just how life goes, I guess.

TL;DR: thanks so much for your time and thoughts, actually. Cheers, Skeepanovan!