This was a super fun little demo! Off to a great start overall. In a market full of horror and thriller visual novels, the potential of a simple feel-good experience is alluring. Can't wait to see what you guys have in store!
In terms of criticism, I have to agree with some of the other commenters that said that the MC seems to spend a bit too much time in his own head. I understand it's a personality trait, but cutting the time spent with internal thoughts and including more time where the MC is actually present in the events of things would make the intro more engaging. There are also a few funky lines in terms of grammar and phrasing, but nothing major.
Oh, and one last thing; Arty's sprite and physical description don't seem to match that well. He's described to be a hefty guy with a belly that gets in his way, but his sprite is more akin to a beefy bodybuilder with a bit of a musclegut. I'm not sure whether adjusting the sprites at this point is feasible, but making him less muscled and perhaps a bit more on the heavy side would help with that discrepancy between his look and physical description. It would also help him feel more distinguishable from Alec, too, who's the real gym enthusiast.
I hope that feedback helps! And in spite of these little issues, I'm very excited to check out your upcoming releases!