TW: mental disorders and problems
I know I talk about my problems quite a bit and that it might come off as annoying to a lot of people but since I don't really have the confidence to say any of this stuff to people I know face to face people through the screen are the only people I can talk to.It gives me a sense of comfort that I can't see your face or hear your voice and you can't hear mine as we talk. Anyway I've actually grown self concious about my voice because as a child I used to love singing and people would always tell me I didn't have the potential to sing. I eventually stopped singing as much and only sang in private where no one could hear. To make matters worse my music teacher miss... Ella... yeah Ella was the most favoritism driven bastard ever and it really didn't help. I would audition for things but she never gave me apart and said I wasn't good enough but my voice sounds great through a mic while the person she picked had a great voice just not when it comes to microphone singing. I knew Ms Ella was a favoritist but I still let her get to me. Eventually I thought "if when I sing I don't sound good. What happens when I talk." so I recorded my voice and as a dumb child I believed that this was what I sounded like and what every one else heard when I spoke. I started speaking less.Obviously now I know that isn't what I sound like but old habits die hard,I still don't talk much and every time there's an imperfection in my voice I obsess over it. In kindergarten I didn't make any friends because I didn't talk. I just did as I was told and kept my mouth shut even during recess I didn't go to play with other kids, I sat on the swings alone and did nothing. Moving on from that I was recently diagnosed with GAD or Generalized Anxiety Disorder, an anxiety disorder where I feel a constant anxiety over the simplest and stupidest of things. Things others wouldn't care about hence the dumb triggers.I was also diagnosed with Self Mutism which is pretty self explanitory. In an environment where I don't feel safe my brain goes "no no no. We can't talk to the people here." and doesn't allow me to talk unless I'm forced to. Fun fact,in a situation that raises my anxiety levels I move around or play with something and just start laughing with no control over it. I just laugh, it's my body's response to feeling a negative emotion, to cancel it out and try and replace it with a happy emotion, just start laughing, laughing fixes everything, it doesn't it really doesn't but my subconcious says it does,it feels a need to be happy. In situations where most would be balling their eyes out I'd laugh through my tears as if they weren't there. Okay that's enough for today. That's a lot.