My review may have exceeded the character limit, so I'll be posting it in the comments here.
Hey there, this'll be a bit of a long one, but I wanted to make sure that I got everything down because I'm super excited to see a new, promising VN. I'll preface this by saying that I love the game, obviously, I rated it 5 stars. And I absolutely cannot wait for the next update, but improvement takes time, work, and some critique, so here's a heaping load of my opinions. Also, I am in no way a professional writer or VN creator, I've gone through classes on writing, and I believe myself to have good taste, but take everything I say with a grain of salt, and please don't take my opinions as fact. Gonna be starting with critiques and ending with praises so I don't leave any bad tastes on my way out.
Alrighty, so I can see a few issues, that's to be expected from a new developer, but they should be pointed out regardless. The most intense, but subjective issue I have with the VN is the 'heavy-handedness' of the writing. Eden Corp protests stuck out like a sore thumb during the opening, I could smell a plot point from a mile away. The hard-light emitters were the only thing described in-detail during the backstage scene, and were left with an odd question mark about their disuse, only to have them immediately used just a few sentences later. The interaction between Adrian and Oswald after the show when they get drinks is very cheesy. "But sir I'm just a humble farm lad, I don't know nothin' about the big city business." And all that. Also, even though it hasn't been revealed yet, I really hope we're supposed to know that the (I'm just going to call their organization the Underground for shorthand) is a resistance cell to Eden Corp, otherwise it has been made far too obvious at this point. Now, It's true that things coming from nowhere will cheapen tension and suspension of disbelief, but having neon signs pointing to the solution to a problem or next plot-point will just make your audience feel like they're being baby-talked to, and that can frustrate them, on top of killing any tension, when the solution is obvious, the struggle makes the main character look dumb, not like they're fighting an insurmountable obstacle. It's a really thin line to walk, I'm not going to lie, setting up things just enough for them to make sense later but also not become predictable is an art form in it's own right, so just give yourself some time and patience as you grow.
Then there's a few spots where the dialogue is confusing;
"He can only give you later at night for a slot." "...Seriously, that early?"
-Might just be me, but I was having trouble figuring out why Adrian was freaked out on my first playthrough because I never got the implication that it was the same day as the conversation. Adding 'tonight' rather than 'at night', or having Adrian exclaim "tonight!?" might make it a bit clearer,
-In the plaza during the sopping scene Dylan says that he'll pay for Adrian's clothes, to which Adrian is shocked. But a nearly identical interaction is had in the coffee shop, where he says' he'll lend Adrian some spending money for the shopping trip, and Adrian reluctantly agrees.
"A little benefit of not having baked buns for pecs..."
-Might just be a regional thing, but I needed to mull over this sentence for a solid twenty seconds or so, unsure if it was trying to imply a good build or a bad one.
-Just after this scene Adrian 'revels in [his] small display of sarcasm.' I could have simply misinterpreted the previous interaction, but it seemed to be more teasing and compliments on his build than any sarcasm.
"This here is an electronics store. They sell some armlets and phones in there, but it's fused with a surprising amount of cosmetics"
-Even with the line about a lot of cosmetics, this line seems to imply that the store sells things more akin to phone cases and pop-sockets, not glowing hoodies. Maybe rather than talking about it in the general sense of cosmetics, mention something about it mainly being a tech store, that has also branched into clothing design, or about them working towards a synthesis of tech and clothes.
"Cat-hooker got your tongue?"
-The wording is just a bit obtuse unless it's a regional phrase that I'm not familiar with. Hookers have nothing to do with the situation, using cat as a modifier to hooker is odd considering Max being a cat, I just think leaving it as cat got your tongue would make the sentence and concept flow much better.
"Bless your poor, delicate roo heart."
-Again, just an issue with sentence flow, the triple modifier on heart doesn't flow as well as any two descriptors would, and again, the mention of species just seems awkward in context, there's no real relevancy or novelty in the situation.
-Later, when the men are harassing Oswald, Dylan asks what they're doing and attempt to intervene, apparently untrained and unkowledgable about the situation, however, judging by Max, the only other known worker, and Oswald being a part of the Underground it appeared to me that the setup would be that all employees are a part of the Underground, the midnight sun acting as either a front, or simply a place that got hit hard why whatever harassment is coming from Eden Corp, forcing their workers to take action. Now that's just a theory, so that's not a real error if Dylan isn't meant to be trained. But I'd say if that's the case, think about how unlikely it is that Oswald, and especially Max could keep this a secret from someone they work with near-daily, especially when they're apparently consistently being harassed by mysterious men, at least, consistently enough to recognize them when they enter.
-I find it odd that Adrian puts together that the men at the Midnight Sun evicted him early, but is then confused why Oswald is calling him. Oswald was very clear that he knew the men, and should then know how serious the threat they made was, if they didn't put that together immediately that would be fine, but the absolute confusion is weird, it should click that Oswald was calling because he was worried about the threat.
"I assume that Ozzy just means Oswald"
-The connection is simple enough that I don't believe it needs to be spelled out by the player, especially when he is referred to by Oz in a previous scene, and it went without any contemplation.
"Preferably when those two blockheads aren't around." "Blockheads?"
-Again, a simple enough connection to not be mentioned.
-Alice's discomfort with being referred to as Alice could be fine, but the fact that she gives no alternative makes the interaction uncomfortable. It kind of seems like Adrian is just not supposed to refer to her at all, which, I'll admit, is very funny.
Whoo! That was a lot, sorry if it seemed like I was being picky, I just wanted to get everything out of the way so I could do my favorite part uninterrupted; the praise!
The contrast between the opening bedroom scene and the barren apartment scene is absolutely delicious, all hope is lost, the home you knew is now gone. It immersed me so damn well, and god everything felt so barren and lifeless on the return, the emotion was sold incredibly by the art!
Speaking of distress, the bus ride home was written wonderfully, immaculate pacing, word choice, everything. I was genuinely unsure of how much discomfort was Adrian's paranoia and how much was actual surveillance by the Eden Corp guys.
The consistent foreshadowing to the Underground's previous knowledge to Adrian is really well set up, the whole interaction with Adrian and Oswald about Oz doing so much for him gets cut short, but the implication is strong, yet subtle. And Max's pointed "What is HE doing here." Makes is seem more specific than just a distrust of outsiders. I was originally going to add Oswald's immediate trust and liking of Adrian to my list of critiques, but if my theory is right, and Oswald has previous knowledge of him, then it makes quite a lot of sense that he would have already formed one-sided bonds and trust with Adrian. This would even explain Max's immediate hatred for Adrian, I know he's supposed to be a bit of a dick, but I don't think the worst ass would pull some of the shit Max does without having a few pre-made opinions about who they are.
Another foreshadowing thing; I can't wait to see how Adrian is used in the Underground, the consistent setup of him designing his own headphones has been admittedly a bit heavy-handed, but him modifying some tech or making something whole-cloth opens up a lot of really neat possibilities.
Really specific, but I can't lie, I just love it. The foam-carpet mix stuff is so good, not many people get into the mundane changes that the future brings, it's always high-octane high-tech but seeing simple, but understandable changes happen throughout the passage of time really makes this world feel more real and alive.
THE WATCHES ARE GENIUS. Adrian briefly mentioning how little sense they make not only draws the reader's attention to a small background element, but makes the setting feel more real by including flaws, AND lets us know that the flaw is not an oversight on the part of the author. Leading the only conclusion to be that it's an archaic tool, now rendered useless, but only kept around as a needless symbol to separate the wealthy from the poor. DAMN what good world building, when your big bad is a corporation, that subtext on wealth's relationship to status and power only gets more and more tasty.
And here's some things that I'm not certain were intentional or unintentional, but are genius, or could be utilized geniously regardless.
Oswald having the scared sprite when the hard-light projectors are mentioned could just be misread shock or surprise, but considering the fact that they're there, despite the fact that they're not used could imply something much more exciting; them being used in emergency defense protocols in case the Midnight Sun is ever raided by Eden Corp, maybe a dome really could be put over the dance floor, either protecting or trapping whoever's caught init, maybe they could be used for quick cover in case of a shootout, or to seal off an exit so that people already in it can flee without being chased. With remote manipulation, they could be wildly useful for defense purposes
The 'Vita's Sunrise' being the special drink given to Adrian and Oswald is a really subtle nod to the sunrise scene later in the game, considering how common taking someone up to see it appears to be for Oswald, I wouldn't be surprised if Dylan was already shown it and gave it to Oswald to poke fun at his fixation.
"Make sure to save the good glasses." Has a shitload of potential. Admittedly, as a one-liner it's kind of weak, but considering the circumstances, if it wasn't just a weak joke, it could be a really good code-phrase, telling Dylan to get ready for shit to go down, even if Dylan isn't a part of the Underground, like I discussed earlier, dealing with rowdy clients isn't specific to mega-corporate hitmen, so it could be a pre-discussed phrase regardless.
If Dylan is really a part of the Underground, then this could explain the hefty amount of cash he has to lend to Adrian. With it apparently being somewhere in the thousands, I'm not sure if a bartender would be making enough to be that generous and live as well as he apparently does. But if he's getting a cut of some resistance cell cash? That seems a bit more achievable.
Something unexplained that could be really neat to explore is how is the Midnight Sun still operational? It seems obvious that the men harassing Oswald are Eden Corp goons, and they definitely have the power to fake evictions or trick systems into issuing evictions, so how come they haven't pulled similar strings with the Midnight Sun? Block a mortgage payment from coming through, issue fake police reports, something bad enough to shut them down, hell, pay off a corrupt health inspector to 'find' dangerous cooking practices. How has Oswald stopped this, or what limits does Eden Corp have on it's power?
Alright, that's all. Sorry if this has been ranty, rude or meandering, I'm writing this last bit at 12:30 AM, so I can't trust myself to proofread properly. But with all I've said, I want it to be clear that it is WAY easier to criticize than it is to create. What you've done so far is frankly incredible, and as someone whose working on a VN right now, I want to say that seeing new creators still working their tail off to make something wonderful is inspiring to say the least. Put simply; you're doing incredible and I cannot wait to read more. This is Talo signing off, be wonderful to yourself!