I then ask where they live so I can get them a cab home and a bottle of water to sober up a bit
Me: no. Not while you're this drunk. And you could pass out half way. You've had one billion too many drinks. *I grab a bottle from a table* ok. Lean on the counter for a second. *I open the bottle and force some down your throat* that should help. Now what's your address. I promise I won't remember it.