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I am stuck because I can't find the hardening quirk.

You can visit the lab (left of school yard)  and follow Mei's story from there.  You don't have to finish it,  just to the point where you get the Quirk.

Every time I go there it now says either mai is not there or that I need the hardening quirk

Did you ever actually met Mei and argeed to help her? If yes, go talk to Eijiro in the school gym, the field on the right of the school building from the world map.

I see thank you

Where?

I cant go to the gym