I really liked that you gave Japanese lyrics a try!
As a native Japanese speaker, I'd offer a couple of small suggestions
For "それとも全部夢だけだったのかな？", it sounds more natural to remove 「だけ」 and say "それとも全部夢だったのかな？"
For "あなたがすべては変わった。", switching 「が」 and 「は」 makes it more natural: "あなたはすべてが変わった。"
I think these might just be typos:
- 暮らしいいけど → 苦しいけど
- 府樽 → 布団