Hi!!! I’m stoked you got to check out the letters as well. It’s really neat getting to see a before and after of your thoughts. I’d wanted to respond earlier but I’ve had my hands full lately. Let’s see…
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I agree w/ your note re: avoiding making this also a transgender story. I hadn’t intentionally avoided it in order to sharpen focus, but it did have that effect. Early in development, I felt shame about ignoring that aspect, and lamented as much in the Fluxer; it was pointed out to me that having the experience of being transgender means that my works are simply going to be informed by that, even if I “cis-wash” a character, so to speak.
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Your statement about the abuse itself being what fills the need for comfort/companionship/love… whew. I’m still processing that. I’ve been aware of this on some level; our therapist has been working with my parts who specifically crave abuse, and we’re trying to reorient them toward healthier desires… but the way you put it was very succinct and clear. Thank you for that. I am glad that you noted the stigma-within-stigma of it, as well, which is tricky to navigate around other survivors who responded differently to their experiences.
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I think you have the right of it as regards narrativization and memory as a creative act. I’ve always liked telling stories but I only very recently come to understand memory as not pure recall, or rather, that in contexts like this (where I am writing to express love and exorcise pain, to satisfy myself, to share myself with others), it is okay to tell stories that are not 1:1 the events. No one is on trial here. I can prioritize conveying strictly what happened or conveying how it felt but I can’t do both. And the latter is much more necessary to me.
Thank you again for reading and responding to our work! I have learned a lot from outside perspectives on this; I’m glad you and others were here to, well, help with the meaning-making of it all. Thank you. 🙏