Oh my goodness I am so sorry. It sounds like you've really been through a nightmare and I'm praying your family is safe or gets to safety, and remains safe. Life is incredibly difficult for you right now and there's no shame in being scared or having those negative, depressing thoughts. Your brain is trying to regulate itself and, even though I'm sure it's very shitty, you do need to feel your emotions. I'll send you an email. If you're up for it, I'd love to help find some resources for you and be an ear. If not, that's okay too. I hope things become easier for you soon