This was sleazy in a really cool and weirdly almost sweet kind of way. The way we as readers live in Minette's head for the most part I think works really well, as do the bits where it zooms out because she's dissociating or in an awkward state in relation to herself; as narrators go, she's a very good one! Vermelia makes for a fascinating character because, on the one hand, it's relatively easy to clock what her 'deal' is and how far she's willing to take it but, on the other hand, as her background is teased near the end, it makes her rather mysterious. Thinking of her as a kind of vampire-like existence was unavoidable to me. The backgrounds were lavish and so good they had me thinking about how to approach creating them in my own work and the soundtrack was simple but effective at underscoring the points when things exploded or seethed. Your art, both for the sprites and for the CGs, was lavish. It was a treat to look at, well-composed, and there was a surprising amount of it.
The afterstory you're apparently considering I think does go some ways towards addressing the feeling I had that things ended before I really got to process what Vermelia had done to Minette or before anything really came out of that horrific moment. I don't think it's a flaw exactly though. The last section zoomed in so close and so clinically to the process that it crawled under my skin and lived there that, in some ways, the pay off of what was done and how it seems to work played with the tension I felt in such a way that I honestly can't tell what my takeaway is from it all emotionally other than the unspeakable wrongness of it all. Perhaps it's for the better, all things considered.
All in all, I'd have to say this was a really good jam entry! Great work! It scratched a yuri itch I didn't quite know I had.