it makes me very happy to hear your thoughts. i'm glad we could capture that sinister feeling, because that's what it's like, i think. the world doesn't stop turning. it doesn't stop being full of whimsical, silly moments. kids don't stop being goofy and even horny when they're being hurt
i think it ties in with the desire for a perfect victim. we are desirable either when we're inspirational, or when we suffer quietly and our lives are ruined and we're irreparably stained, always on the outside looking into polite society, knowing it isn't for us and spending our lives mourning it. sexless, of course, after the trauma
but in this miserable, painful world, trying to process all the things we're feeling, how we felt loved and desired in a way we know we never can again, the way an adult's touch felt in the midst of solitude, the joys and smiles and laughter and arousal, everything that seemed so beautiful turned into nightmares that haunt us every time we're touched.. any discussion of those feelings, any expression that goes beyond "look at this little VICTIM!! aren't they SAD?? that's all they'll EVER be now!!" is met with disgust and vitriol
there have been times that people told me what i make *is* csa. that any fictional depiction of these kinds of traumatic experiences is indistinguishable from actual abuse. i like to ask them about nabokov's lolita. some stick to their guns and say it should be banned. others accuse me of comparing "goonslop" or something similar to masterful writing. when i ask them to elaborate, they never do. are all of these works of fiction literal csa, but that's forgivable if they're of high enough quality? is it no longer csa if it's good enough? or if it's sad enough? or if some big publisher says it's okay? i just want to know what makes it acceptable for me and my friends to write about our experiences
i have these same feelings about my queerness. i know there are several states in the usa where i can legally wear a dress instead of a suit at my job and my employer might even be discouraged from reprimanding me for it. i know i can petition a court to legally recognize my gender. i can be a good little semi-acceptable member of society. but i can never celebrate the things that make us different, i can never be too comfy. alex, i think, would be "bad representation" to a lot of people, but to me, writing his story, it felt like home
(thank you for appreciating the girl doctor too it makes me giggle)
-L